I love you. I care for you deeply. I worry about you constantly. You're my friend, but oh, so much more. And I know you know that, but I can't keep doing this.

You've hurt me, deeply, but I will never tell you. I fear that being honest with you about my feelings will change how things are, that it'll hurt your feelings. And that's not how it should be.

There are times when I wonder what I am to you. A friend or confidant, or person you think can help you get by, or maybe I'm just some girl you sext with every now and again. Maybe I'm just some Tinder girl you matched with a year ago and we talk when no one else is answering. But you know, you know, that you're far more than all of that to me. Whether you'd like to admit it or not.

Communication has died out significantly recently, and it hurts me, but deep down I know it's for the best. I bargain with myself, make these excuses for you when efforts aren't reciprocated. I've been bargaining for quite some time now.

You're my friend and I will always be here for you. But here's the truth; I'm your friend and the times you've been there for me are far and few between.

There have been moments where the hurt I've endured from this made me question everything. Things I believe in, myself, my self-worth. No one should be put in that position, and the opposing side should at least be aware. But were you? Do you know the pain you've caused?

Nothing cuts quite as deep as when you ask for my opinion about how to treat these other girls. Or how you're missing your ex. You know there are feelings involved here and each time I bring it up you act like you know nothing, have zero clue as to what I'm talking about. And it hurts, but you do you know that? I think you do. But I listen and am supportive because that's my role, and that's what you see me as.

Relationships and friendships are so incredibly important to me, constantly cultivating them and making sure I'm putting in the appropriate efforts, and I know you know this. I can say with confidence that I know far more about your life than you do mine. And that's okay, I want to know these things, I want you to share these things, that's why I ask. But why don't you?

Are one-sided conversations and days without communication and never feeling like I'm your number one choice, are those the things that I deserve? The excuses I make for you and constant bargaining with myself are no longer enough. Why are you dragging me through this? And why am I letting you?

You see, you're the first person that I gave a piece of my heart to since the last time it was broken, and you broke it again. I fell for you, hard. I gave you a piece of me that no one has ever held, and you threw it away.

Do you understand that this only prevents me from doing the same thing again to someone who may actually deserve it? Do you get that what I've allowed you to treat me like is how I thought a girl should be treated?

The worst realization is that if any other person were to ever treat me like this, they'd be gone. I would've cut them out of my life months ago. But not you. I am so scared of hurting your feelings and watch you walk out of my life. And that's just it; I would rather put myself through this hurt than say 'no' and watch you walk away. Because I've watched it happen too many times before.

I've said at least a dozen times that I just need to take a step back and let this be for a bit. Or to just cut ties in general, but I can never do it. You've become such a big part of my every day life. And losing whatever this is or you in general has caused me to hold this in and brush the hurt under the carpet for months.

I know that somewhere deep down this is ending and it's for the best.

And here's the truth; I probably won't ever say any of these things to you for all of the above reasons, mainly because I'm scared of losing you. But what I was even more frightened of was telling myself the truth; I deserve more, I deserve so much more. If watching you walk out of my life is what needs to happen, then it needs to happen. I am more than capable of picking up my own pieces and putting myself back together.

I love you. I care for you deeply. I worry about you constantly. But I won't keep doing this. This is where I say goodbye.