Today I took a dive. One not many people let themselves do anymore, I decided to let myself dive into my past and relive those memories. Mainly I focused on my 'exes'. No, not just ex-significant others but friends, best friends, mentors, teachers, 'siblings', etc. I let myself relive each grueling 'break-up' and each wonderful memory. Here's what I learned:
They don't matter anymore.
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I know what you're thinking, these people shaped young me into the woman I am today. You're absolutely correct! They altered me and molded me into the amazing young woman I am, but that is the past. I will tell stories of who they were in my life, what they did, but that's the past and I'm ready to leave those people there.
So to the Ex-Best Friends:
- Thank you for loving me when I hated myself. I know I wasn't easy to deal with as I learned who I was and what I deserved. Thank you for sticking up for me and thank you for caring for me, (even if my wounds weren't always physical).
- I'm sorry you couldn't stick it out for the long haul. I'm sorry if I am the reason you exited this friendship or if I exited it myself. Most of all I'm sorry if I ever hurt you. I know we don't always say sorry, but I am.
To the Ex-Teachers:
- As an education major I must say thank you for helping me choose what I want to do with the rest of my life. Thank you for inspiring me everyday, whether it be me taking inspiration at how well or awful you taught, thank you. Thank you for being able to constantly put up with me day in and day out. Trust me, you had to and some people couldn't have done that if they wanted to!
- I am so sorry! Especially to my middle grades teachers, I am so sorry. I sucked. Seriously, I want to hit 12 year old me in the face. I was dramatic and whiny. Yet you loved me anyway. I am so sorry for the days I made your job hard to face. I am sure karma will get me, especially going into English Education for MIddle Grades.
To the Ex-Significant other:
- Thank you for teaching me what I wanted in a man and what I didn't want. Thank you for showing me what I needed and what I wanted was so different. Thank you for your patience and for your kindness. Thank you for the fun and amazing evenings we had. Thank you for the fights and the tears.
- I am sorry for who I am. I say that in a sense that I am sorry I caused you pain and agony through discovering my anixety and what it is. I am sorry I couldn't be clear through the fights and couldn't convey what was causing me pain.
There are some people I skipping mainly because I have so many people to thank and apologize to. Today I let myself look through pictures that I hardly remember, and events I was never involved in. Today I took a deep dive that brought the 'feels'. But Thank You to the people that could put up with you young me. I'm sorry for being a little butt-head and I am so sorry for being arguementative. But thank you for who you were in my life. If you ever decided to want to chat I am always here. But as of right now I am so happy where I am and I don't need you. I have my friends that made it through, my family, my dog, and God. What more could a 21 year old ask for?
