Here we go. I'm one academic year away from being a college grad. And, if the last decade has taught me anything, I know that this school year will fly by faster than any before it.
For all of my friends who are in this same boat, you probably understand what I mean when I say that I fully expect this year to be one big, emotional cluster fuck. It's already set in for me: the excitement of moving on and the anxiety of not knowing where I'm going; the joy of accomplishing a goal and seeing hard work pay off and the sadness of ending a monumental chapter of my life that has been enriched by warm memories and great friends. Summed up in much simpler words, this year will be bittersweet.
While I am ready to throw my cap in the air and rejoice at graduation (if it actually happens that way), I'm also pretty terrified of not living up to expectations that both myself and others have set for me. After a four-year, $100,000 investment in my future, it would be a pretty big disappointment if I didn't, like, solve the climate crisis or write the next great American novel, right?
At Augsburg College, we have a saying that goes something like this (exactly like this): "We believe we are called to serve our neighbor." I've been hearing this sentiment for the last three years and, now more than ever, I have started to think about what it really means. With all eyes on me-- from parents and family members to mentors and advisers-- it's become very easy to preoccupy myself with trivialities such as getting academic honors or building my resume to attain some job that may very well suck the soul right out of me will allow me to live a decently comfortable life. These aren't exactly bad motivators, but alone they are not enough.
When I'm reminded of our saying-- being called to serve our neighbor-- I'm able to breathe a little easier. Because of the capitalistic nature of this country and our collective values of individualism and originality, I find myself sidetracked often by comparative thoughts; a result of a socially conditioned competitive nature. This is the mindset that tells me to focus on money, titles, and labels. This is the mindset that keeps me stuck in the world of one-upping and showmanship. This is the mindset that makes me fearful of not being enough in "the real world" when I graduate. When I remember my neighbor however, life seems a little less scary.
While I need to be able to make a living and afford food, housing, etc., I think it's more important that whatever I do after graduation is in service to people other than myself. When I think about only myself-- my successes and failures, my past and my future-- I am inevitably consumed by anxiety. Thoughts of graduation and of future career choices are always centered around myself, as are conversations with other people about these things, which leads to the hodgepodge of emotions that I discussed earlier. If I shift my focus to my neighbor however, the anxiety and the fear all but disappear.
I heard recently, in some commencement speech or something (I don't remember), that being selfless is the best thing you can do for yourself. This idea is completely counter-intuitive, and also completely true. When I think about graduation in terms of my own success and wonder what my degree will do for me, I become a fearful and worrisome puddle (gross, right?) But, when I re-frame my thoughts and instead ask myself what I will be able to do for others-- for my neighbor-- I feel empowered and hopeful.
So, without further adieu, here's to senior year. Here's to being mindful of my blessings and remembering that my fears only exist in my head. Here's to putting my neighbor before myself and keeping in mind that success is not measured in what I do for myself, but rather what I do for others.
"“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”
-- Mahatma Gandhi
