So, we've all heard about a little movie based off a book that looks something like this:

Now, nearly every mother to our generation will claim that this is one of the most romantic films ever made. Sadly, I must boldly disagree. Romantic!? Pffft. You call beautiful, breathtaking, unrequited love romantic? Haven't you seen "Fifty Shades of Grey"? Now that's romantic. So, as I write this on the eve of Saint Valentine's day, I'm going to tell you why "Pride and Prejudice" is the least romantic movie ever made:

First things first. Look at Elizabeth. Is that the face of a whimsical, yet fiercely independent female lead? I think not.

Okay, let's bring it over to Mr. Darcy, shall we? That deep, puzzling brood that's permanently fixated on our screens is almost too painful to look at. Almost.

At the ball, Elizabeth and Darcy are just meeting each other for the first time and she's challenging him to come out of his comfort zone. Worse, the struggle only increases in intensity the more she falls in love with him. It's irritating. Just let a bitch live!

And the fact that he plucks up the courage to dance with her, something he avoids at all costs, after all that pestering? The rest of the party even melts into the background, leaving them the only couple on the dance floor. Come on, people.

And to top it off, Mr. Bingley can't stop looking at Jane for half a second to even attempt to do the dance correctly. You've got two left feet, Bingley! She'll never marry you now!

And then there's the fact that Darcy can hardly hold his gaze on Elizabeth for more than five seconds. Pathetic.

Now, you might argue that the way Darcy and Elizabeth look at each other with distinct disregard for anyone else in the world is unquestionable evidence for their undying love for one another. But this is how my dog and I look at each other, too. So, either my dog is deeply in love with me or Elizabeth just really wants Darcy to give her some food.

And a perfectly eloquent profession of ardent love in the rain!? She's wet and cold! How could Darcy subject her to something like that and claim romance?

And, adding insult to injury, he can't even help her into a carriage without flinching. Do you even try to hide your feelings, Darcy? Get with the times!

Let's not even go into how Mr. Bingley needs to rehearse his proposal to Jane with the help of his best friend who royally (heh) f*cked up their relationship in the first place.

And then doesn't even do anything they rehearsed.

Woah, wait. Is that a smile coming from the least happy man in this entire movie?

Anyway, we finally get to the point where Darcy (AGAIN) reiterates his love for Elizabeth and asks to marry her.

And he can't even get the words out. T-T-T-TODAY, JUNIOR!

Most romantic scene in the movie? K.

Now we see how sick with joy they are in knowing they're about to have Mr. Bennet's blessing. We get it. You're in love and you don't need words to speak to each other. Moving on.

And, of course, the end to least romantic movie ever made, in which Mr. Darcy expresses how completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy he is.

Well, there you have it folks. "Pride and Prejudice" is now unarguably the least romantic film ever made. Happy Valentine's Day! I hope you never find a love this sickeningly disgusting as long as you live. :)