#Hemaynothityoubut came up on my social media accounts and it hit home for me. Across twitter, allies everywhere used the ‘he may not hit you but’ hashtag to allow people to realize domestic violence is far more than just physical abuse. Sometimes, the emotional and psychological abuse can leave far more lasting consequences. As a woman who lived and breathed some of these situations, and as someone who has had many other women come to me for advice and support, it is heart wrenching to see how often domestic abuse occurs.
He may not hit you, but he questions your friendships with men.
It will never matter how you know the guy, but he will tell you there is no way your friend “justs wants to be friends with you.” Someday you’ll look back and realize that the flaws he pointed out in your male friends, are the things you miss the most.
He may not hit you, but he calls constantly when he’s not with you.
You should be allowed alone time. Whether that actually be time to yourself, or whether you choose to share that with your family and friends. A healthy relationship is not one where every waking second is spent with your significant other, you need time apart as well. If your phone is constantly lighting up with their name, questioning who you're with or what you're doing, it's not healthy.
He may not hit you, but he threatens to harm himself when you call it quits.
Later on in my own relationship, we were "long distance." We were about an hour apart, and every time we’d argue, or I’d say I wasn’t comfortable with our relationship, he’d cry, he’d throw his phone, and then he’d shut it off. He'd say he was going to commit suicide without me in his life. Someone else's mental state, is not your fault. Some people may be serious about suicide, others may just use it as an excuse to keep you around, regardless, it's a topic that needs to be addressed by someone who has professional experience. That someone is not you.
He may not hit you in the beginning, but eventually he hits you.
Eventually, when you realize that the game he plays and the cycle you’re in is repetitive, and he realizes you stopped taking his demands and threats seriously, he’ll go more extreme. For me, it started out with him blocking the doorway, or pinning me down when I tried to leave. It led to standing in front of my car, or walking in front of it while I was pulling out of the driveway. Eventually it led to his hands around my neck, and my inability to breathe or fight him off of me. It's never okay for anyone to put their hands on your body without your permission. It's never okay to be physically abused by someone you're with. They will give you excuse after excuse, and apology after apology, but it is never okay. They will never change.
#Hemaynothityoubut
It will never get any easier, or any better if you continue with a relationship that isn't healthy. The person you thought you knew, will never be that person again. You cannot fix them or help them, and you will never find the right time to leave him. It’s been about two years since I walked away from an emotionally abusive relationship (amongst other things), and a year since I ended all contact. There was a period of time where I thought we could make it work as friends, and I was wrong. Everything I had experienced as a girlfriend, worsened when we were just friends; the aforementioned experience actually happened as a friend, and not while I was his girlfriend. It has been a long recovery road for me, and I’d be lying if I said I don’t still panic a bit from time to time.
Once you're out of an unhealthy relationship, I promise it gets easier. I promise you that life goes on, and whatever reasons you're still holding on to him will slowly disappear. Eventually, you'll realize that what you experienced wasn't love. Eventually, you'll fall so madly in love with every inch and every part of yourself that you'll begin to realize what is right for yourself, and what you deserve.
If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic abuse please tell someone. Anyone. My one regret is not telling someone immediately when it happened solely because I was too embarrassed to ask for help. I regretted allowing to let it get that far, and not only missing the warning signs, but failing to admit I was in trouble. Stop making excuses and protecting someone who doesn’t love you or cherish you the way you should be loved and cherished.
