Some of the most powerful influence is found in words unspoken.

I was seventeen and my world had been flipped upside down. Instead of enjoying my eleventh year of school, earning DPA via the nature club, writing reports and making lifelong connections with new friends I was stuck in a building whose decorator had probably said, “make it look as dead as possible.”

This was nothing short of ironic given my deteriorating condition.

I would like to blame those walls for the lack of visitors I had at that time but if I did so I would be lying to you. Visitors did not approach me because they didn’t know what to say. They wanted to fix me, to make my situation better but anorexia isn’t something you can slap a bandage over. I was an anomaly. A freak. To the outside world, I was one massive, inequitable symptom of deep heart wounds.

I was nothing short of a taboo subject. So, how do you approach and help someone who is struggling? What words can you speak that will give them a renewed sense of purpose and life?

Okay, so before we begin we should get one thing straight: every story is going to be different. Every person’s battle is different. Everyone will need to hear different things at different times. It is a tricky disease. I encourage you to go to God in prayer for the person before approaching them. Ask the Lord what he would like to speak to them.

A more official disclaimer:

Please know that the Do’s and Don’t I have listed below are solely from personal experience. They may be right for the person in your life but they might not be. Please pray over the ideas I have given to you and ask God which ones are right for your use.

This will further you along in developing your relationship and dependence on God (the most important thing we, as humans, could ever do).

In the meantime, here are five of the things I would have preferred to have heard… and not heard.

1. Do say: you will be completely free.

This is the truth if those struggling want it to be; it is 100% their choice.

Counselors, Christians, doctors and psychiatrists told me I would always struggle with the disorder. As a result, I had no hope for my seemingly bleak future. There were days I contemplated suicide. Death seemed like the easiest way out.

God has hope and purpose for those who are struggling. We are victorious because He is victorious. We need to spend time in His word and soak in this truth in order to experience this freedom to its fullest extent.

Psalm 91 is the chapter I meditated on when in the hospital. It helped me realize that I wasn’t walking through the darkness alone and without the potential for victory. For more tips to victory, check out my free e-book here.

2. Do: show and tell them, “you are valuable and loved. Your life matters. You are not an outcast.”

Show those struggling that they are not something to be fixed and that you love them.

Just sitting and being present is all it takes to start the healing. Sometimes words don’t need to be spoken. All it takes is a gentle touch and a listening ear. Sometimes all they want is a shoulder to cry on as the fight can be nothing short of overwhelming.

3. Do not: tell them they look healthy.

It may seem really backward but this is one of the biggest no-no’s.

Healthy to the mind of someone deep in disorder means to them that they are fat. When this person feels “fat” they will most likely try even harder to become the opposite. It’s a control issue.

4. Do not: tell them to snap out of it and “just eat already.”

Like I’ve said, it’s a control thing.

Although it may seem easy for you to just “eat a burger” it isn’t for those who use anorexia and bulimia as their control. If you say this to them their guard will go up and you will have lost valuable ground.

5. PLEASE (for the love of all things good and sacred) do not: give them books about people struggling with disorders. Many will use what they are reading as ideas for their next binge. They will use the weight of the character as their new goal. Upon receiving these materials many men and women will feel as though they are another something to be fixed.

This list is by no means extensive but it is a good start to helping those who struggle recover.

In closing, I must say that above being healed from the symptoms I have found a greater treasure than just being completely free.That is, having a personal relationship with the God who breathed His very essence into my lungs.

Please pray for those who have no hope. Ask the Lord of all hope to show Himself to that person in mighty, tangible ways.

He did this for me. He will do this for you.

If you have any questions about this list, about my experience or anything else do not hesitate to contact me via my contact page.