First, let me say congratulations for not only getting accepted into college, but for doing what most people in your graduating class are too terrified to do: cross the country. Granted, many of your peers might have chosen to pursue higher education two states over, but oh no, not you. But before you get comfortable with the idea of your impending independence, there are a few things you will have to prepare for, things nobody bothered to tell me and that I, through my infinite kindness, am passing on to you.

1. Manners - Yours Versus Theirs
To say that anybody born north of Virginia is completely devoid of charm and proper comportment is a vicious generalization, but it is also one of life’s bitter truths. From the second you set foot on campus, your “yes ma’ams”, “no sirs”, and “thank you kindlys” will be a dead giveaway for anybody within a ten-mile radius that you are a gentleman/belle, which will undoubtedly lead to some level of jealousy among your peers. Professors and other authoritative figures will smile and think highly of you (if you lay it on thick you might get that C- bumped to a B) and you will make anyone seated near you look - and how do I put this delicately? - uncivilized. Your soul will cringe when you hear another student answer a professor with “yeah” or “no”. Southern Charm is real, it’s beautiful, and when used correctly, can be your biggest ally.

(Sue Ellen is the only one without a parasol, so Sue Ellen's friends can't wait to gossip about her.)

2. Food - The Eternal Struggle
Little known fact: when the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock in 1620, they made a solemn vow to forbid the use of any and all seasoning, and the northeastern United States, an area rich in culture and tradition, has adhered to that rule for nearly four centuries. Pecan pie, homemade fried chicken, fresh biscuits, these will go from weekly staples of your diet to the equivalent of cigarettes in prison (a rare delicacy), and while your arteries will cry out “Hallelujah!” and your overall health may improve (my skin cleared up and I could walk all the way to class without having to stop for a snack break), every time you sit down for another meal, you’ll silently shed a tear and consider selling your soul for a pot of jambalaya.

(Biscuits are the southern equivalent of meth: cheap, addicting, unhealthy)

3. Passive-Aggressive Behavior: The End of An Idyll
Take a deep breath. Are you sitting down? Picture your happy place.
PEOPLE. IN. THE. NORTH. SAY. WHAT. THEY. REALLY. MEAN.
Shocked? I was, too. Growing up in the south, emotions are treated like a dead body: you bury them as deep as you possibly can and pray to God that they never see the light of day. You are about to enter a place where nobody blesses your heart, sugar is just an ingredient (instead of an epithet used between women meaning they want to claw each other’s eyes out), and here they get to the point without 15 minutes of formalities, but where’s the fun in that?

(My mom had this embroidered on a throw pillow.)

4. One Nation, Two Languages

Growing up, I could not say anything overtly awful about anybody in front of my momma without her slapping me upside the head and reminding me that “God don’t like ugly, and He cares very little for pretty”, a statement which briefly made me the laughingstock of my dorm hallway. You will arrive on campus armed with dozens of folksy saying which may seem like a way of life to you, but will give the impression that you’re a modern-day (less-accomplished) Forrest Gump. Down south, whenever somebody is drunk beyond reason, they are “drunker than Cooter Brown”. When somebody shows up looking less-than-perfect, they are “as ugly as homemade sin”. When it is heavily raining, “it’s like a cow peeing on a flat rock”. You might use many of these sayings unintentionally, so either prepare to be known as the campus hillbilly or learn to filter yourself to impress these Yankees.

(Learn it, learn it well.)

5. Southern, Not Country. Get It Right.

As you step onto your campus, prepare yourself for a question that you will undoubtedly answer time and time again:

“You’re from ________? Wow, so you’re from like, the country?”
No. Absolutely not. Jed Clampett is from the country. Davy Crockett is from the country. George Strait (God bless him) is from the country. I am southern. I am from the suburbs, not the swamps. You know what kind of people are southern? Julia Sugarbaker. Tennessee Williams. Beyoncé. I grew up with indoor plumbing. We ride horses for recreation instead of necessity. Our moonshine is carbonated and flavored. Sure, my sister did pageants and I live five minutes from cows, but I’m not about to crush a beer can on my head and go muddin’. Southerners are less “gator wrastlin’” and opossum stew than we are seersucker and monograms. We’re what happens when you send a West-Virginian to charm school and we’re damn proud of it.

(Does this look country to y'all?)

Going to college so far from home can be nerve-racking, no matter which side of the country you decide to relocate. College in itself is a massive change, and so it is perfectly understandable to be nervous about such a big change in your life, especially when all of your family and friends are over a thousand (1,472) miles away. But above all else, remember to hold your head high, always keep a mason jar full of sweet tea handy, and never be ashamed of your heritage, because your entire childhood was nothing short of an 18 year long course in etiquette, because you have an accent that is universally beloved, and because when the going gets tough, southerners get tougher.