I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”

Well, if that's the case, I’ve sure given Him a lot of laughs. You’re welcome Jesus.

Ever since I was little, I’ve known that I wanted to be in front of a camera. When I finally came to the realization that becoming an actress wasn't exactly a practical choice, I decided that becoming a news anchor would be the next best thing. I was lucky and found a college that helped train and teach me how to be the best. For the past four years, I’ve known exactly how my life was going to go. Or I thought I did at least.

I don’t know where to go from here
It all used to seem so clear
I’m finding I can’t do this on my own

But what happens when God throws in one of those curve balls like He loves to do? What about when you aren’t so sure about your future anymore? What happens when you don’t know where to go or what to do and you only have a short time to figure it out? What happens when you don’t have a backup plan, and you aren’t sure you can make it? What then?

Trust

I will trust in You
You’ve never failed before
I will trust in You

I’ve never been good at trusting anyone. Especially God. I like having control over things and knowing what to expect. I need security. From other blogs I’ve read and people I’ve talked to, I know I’m not alone. Putting your trust in someone is scary. And it’s hard. Consequently, my trust issues with humans have bled over into my relationship with God, even though He ALWAYS comes through and things always work out.

As long as I know that You are near
I’m done fighting
I’m finally letting go

I’m at that point in my life where I’m questioning everything.

Am I in the right career field?
Do I even want a career?
Where do I go after I graduate?
What if I don’t find a job?
What if I’m not qualified enough?
After all I’ve worked for, what if I fail?

I have less than a month to figure out how to be an adult and I feel completely unprepared.

I’m giving You fear and You give faith
I giving you doubt
You give me grace
For every step I’ve never been alone

While you're in college, you know you're going to be there for at least four years, if not more, so you get comfortable. But when you're a senior, you're suddenly expected to figure out how to be a functioning, independent, self-reliant adult in a short amount of time. I’ve never been good with change. I like stability and security. I like knowing what to expect. I like being comfortable. And right now, I’m at a point where I really just want to give up. I’m basically a turtle. I want to retreat into my safe, comfortable shell and stay where I am.

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it?

A few nights ago, I was laying on my bed thinking about everything. I was trying to figure out how I was going to make it. The more I thought about it and worried, the more depressed I became. I wanted to write about what I was going through since writing always helps me, but I couldn’t find the words. To distract myself, I got on my phone (naturally) and started scrolling through Tumblr. After a few minutes of endless Supernatural GIFs and cat videos, I came across the three images in this post.

It finally hit me

God was trying to tell me something. I can’t figure this out myself. I can’t do this on my own. I’m not supposed to do this alone. This whole time, I’ve been relying on myself and others to figure things out. I’ve been trying to control everything.

I’ve become too comfortable with being comfortable.

So, I started writing to God again. Something I haven’t done since January. I gave my future to Him. I asked Him to speak to me and show me what He wants me to do and where He wants me to go. I asked Him to make me uncomfortable. I let go and gave up control, which is one of the hardest things for me to do.

Has he shown me? Not yet. But He has spoken to me. Every time I’ve gone through something and asked God to speak to me, it’s ALWAYS been through music. As I was writing this post, “Help Me Find It” by Sidewalk Prophets came on my Pandora. As I wrote this post, I integrated the song lyrics since it’s exactly what I’m going through right now. It wasn’t until this very moment, as I type, that I actually feel calm for the first time in weeks. Am I still scared? Oh, I’m terrified. But I know God’s got this. I’ll do my part and work hard and He’ll put me where He wants/needs me, even if it’s not where I wanted or thought I’d be. But you know what? I’m actually kind of excited. I still don’t know where I’ll be after graduation next month. The possibilities are literally endless. I have a plan, but I have a feeling God has something different in mind. He always does. And it's always better.