Ever since I had the capability of having friends, I have always been the one that everyone goes to. Now more than ever before, that continues to be the case. People must have picked up on the fact that I have been through so much and have done a lot of therapy myself, so I am now seen as a practicing therapist. I can very easily empathize and relate to others, making me first in line whenever someone needs me.
I love helping others and being the one people trust to come to. Whether they need someone to talk to, listen, support, give advice, understand, or just be present, I am their girl. Many people, however, do not always know how to handle these types of situations so I figured I would write a piece for those whom want to be a good friend but do not always know how to.
1. Give direct eye contact and physical attention
Show them you are truly listening and care. Make sure they know you are there to help them and that they have your complete and undivided attention. Do not be on your phone, working, or doing other tasks when someone comes to you. Along with that, provide some physical gestures based on the person's comfort-ability. I am not saying to hold them the entire time or be all over them... but make sure you are relaying some signs of comfort when needed.
A physical touch (as small as laying a hand on theirs, rubbing their back, a hug, etc.) has the power to release tension while they're speaking.
2. Offer to give something up
Tell them you will come to wherever they are and offer to bring them something. Most likely, they will deny your offer and come to your location, but it is always nice to know you have friends that are willing to go out of their way. Once they are in your presence, offer something again. Hot tea or coffee is always a go-to because curling up to talk with a warm beverage is comforting and won't make them feel bad.
Try not to turn to offering something up that could provide a negative effect/response like fatty foods, alcohol, drugs, etc. unless it is brought up and wanted by the friend. Pay attention and see what they need, you know your friend best. *sips tea*
3. Be a good listener
Do not interrupt, interject, or try to speak over them. Yes, they may be coming to you for advice but some of the best advice one can give, is by letting them say things out loud to process and figure it out on their own. Talking out loud helps one hear it back to themselves and creates a different level of understanding. Just stop, listen, wait, and take it all in before giving your two cents. The more time they have to talk, the more backstory and information they will give you which can help you figure what to say to them.
Sometimes pauses in conversations like these are helpful because they don't feel rushed to get it all out at once and they may say things that come to their mind, even if they previously thought they were done speaking.
4. It is about them, not you
They came to you so that they could talk about their life and problem, not yours. Focus on their own personal situation without making it about you. Meaning, this is not the time to go on a rant about why your last relationship failed and slightly relate it back to them and their current situation- because every scenario is different. You may use small tidbits of your past to help give them advice, based on what you've been through, but you are not allowed to be the center of attention during their moment and their time.
You are trying to help them, pick another time to shine.
5. Don't just shut them down
Their thoughts, feelings, and emotions are totally valid and if your advice is to "get over it and move on" or "stop talking about it," that is not very helpful. After they've shared and you have given your honest feedback and advice, it does not mean that is the end of that. Try to feel out what they want/need from you but don't shut them down and move on completely.
Also, if you do not agree with their choices and decision making, still try to be supportive. You can do what you can but it is their life and they are allowed to deal with it how they please. Obviously, give your unbiased opinion and insight, but do not ridicule how they are dealing with something... everyone copes in different ways. Provide a safe space where they feel comfortable and allow them to be vulnerable. Let them know it is okay to not be okay.
6. Try to cheer them up
Try to cheer them up in a healthy and positive way. I have found that online yoga videos for beginners to try together or putting on a lighthearted movie is always , option to help them relax and get their mind off things. Show them the happiness and joy in life and all they have to look forward to.
Maybe even bring up a past moment or memory that will make them look back and laugh or smile, unrelated to the situation they are currently facing. Allow time and space for them to process their feelings and emotions, throughout the cheering process. Occasionally check back up on them to see how they are feeling and if they have anything else to add
. This will allow you to see how much you are helping them and the progress they have made. Mention that life sucks now but the bad times make the good ones feel so much better.
Above all, let them know that no matter what happens, you'll always be there for them. By doing these things, even if they don't clearly let you know, you are being an extraordinary friend and helping them more than you probably realize. You are spreading your joy and kindness into their life and helping their heart heal.
These steps will help your friends as well as your friendships/relationships throughout life. You would want them to care enough to do the same for you.
