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Help Find Emma A Boyfriend

She once was convinced she had Sleep apnea, but it turned out she just had Mono.

Brittany Schmidt

Jul 17, 2017

Saint Mary's College - Indiana

4081

Brittany Schmidt

She's tried tinder. She's tried wearing a low cut bikini top in her Instagram pictures. She's tried roaming the aisles of Costco on Friday nights for a DILF, but my little sister, Emma, has had no luck with finding herself a boyfriend. There's not much more she can do to find the perfect guy. I have decided to create Emma a personalized dating advertisement in hopes that I can find her a man. With your help, maybe, just maybe, "Mr. Semi-Okay" is out there for Emma!

Emma's Physical Features:

Height: 5'2

Eye Color: Green

Food that describes her body shape: Meatball

Shoe Size: 8

Ring Size: 9

Random Facts About Emma:

Can burp the ABC's

Can rap Lil Wayne's part in Jay Sean's song Down

She once was convinced she had Sleep apnea, but it turned out she just had Mono

She was once cut from the volleyball team, cheer leading team, and the traveling show choir all in the 7th grade

Claims to not have a bad angle

What Emma Prefers:

Chinese noodles or rice? Noodles

Coke or Pepsi? Pepsi

Mullet or Mutton Chops? Mullet

Team Edward or Team Jacob? Team Jacob

Shirts or Skins? Skins

Some of Emma's Favorite Things:

Root Beer

McChickens

Her dogs

A fierce 2001 Ford Escape

Bob's Burgers

What Emma is Looking for in a Man:

Someone who can support her financially, while she supports him physically

Someone who has the ability to lift her up like Baby in the last scene of Dirty Dancing

Someone who knows the difference between there, their, and they're.

Someone who will laugh at the Tweets she will DM you on Twitter

A heartbeat

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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Help Find Emma A Boyfriend

She once was convinced she had Sleep apnea, but it turned out she just had Mono.

Emma's Physical Features:

Random Facts About Emma:

What Emma Prefers:

Some of Emma's Favorite Things:

What Emma is Looking for in a Man:

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"I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love"

1. That Time He Tested Out His Flirting Skills and This Happened

2. When He Was Willing to Do Anything to Avoid Confrontation

3. When He Couldn't Handle Awkward, Emotional Situations

4. How He Reacted Whenever His Friends Ignored Him

5. All of the Times He Worried About His Failing Love Life

6. Whenever He Tried to Whip Himself Into Shape

7. How He Handled New People and New Experiences

8. Whenever His Friends Got Annoying, He Was Always the Voice of Reason

9. He Always Knew How to Jam

10. He Finds a Way to Make Any Situation More Fun

No, I can't help you.

1. When a customer wants to return a product, hands you the receipt, where is printed "ALL SALES ARE FINAL" in all caps.

2. Just because you might be having a bad day, and you're in a crappy mood, doesn't make it okay for you to yell at me or be rude to me. I'm a person with feelings, just like you.

3. People refusing to be put on hold when a customer is standing right in front of you. Oh, how I wish I could just hang up on you!

4. Having the same conversations over and over again! To be honest I really don't even want to talk to you right now, or have this fake ass smile on my face!

5. Always having to have a smile on your face. I promise I'm not as happy as I may look!

6. Customers not understanding that sometimes, mistakes happen. I am a human being, we all mess up sometimes!

7. Having the boss from hell, it's their way or the highway! Even though I did my job correctly and efficiently, if I don't do it the exact way you do, I'm a piece of shit.

8. Having coworker who don't help out, who bend the rules just enough to screw you over.

9. Having to be at work after closing because a customer is taking forever and half! Not like I'd like to go home or anything!

10. Having shitty hours and more shifts than you asked for. Just because we don't have enough workers, doesn't mean I want to pick up every shift that you cant cover, oh great boss of mine!

11. Not having time for a social life. It gets old saying, "I can't I have work..." Every day of the week!

12. Having that lazy costumer who can't do anything for themselves... no please I'll get that, it's no problem at all!

It's just my face, I swear.

1. When you meet new people, they automatically assume you hate them or are rude.

2. People are constantly asking you if you're OK.

3. After being friends with someone for a while, they confess to you, "I thought you were so mean when I first met you," or, "I thought you hated me."

4. You get told to smile more, but they don't understand how scary that would be.

5. You're always labeled as seeming "judgy."

6. Passing a friend with your RBF in full force and not realizing you just shot them a death glare.

7. Being sarcastic, but everyone thinks you're outright rude.

8. Not knowing how mean you really look until you see a picture of yourself in resting face.

9. Your apologies never sound sincere because of your emotionless face.

10. Your "mad face" scares you.

11. And, lastly, people are constantly asking you if you are happy or having a good time because you look bored to death.

Please hold your blonde joke.

1. "Is Elle Woods your spirit animal?"

2. "Is that your natural hair color?"

3. "Oh wow, you get good grades at school?"

4. "You must really like the color pink!"

5. "You’re probably not into sports, right?"

6. "You must have such a bubbly personality."

7. "Your wardrobe must consist of all things preppy."

8. "What sorority are you in?"

9. "You were probably a cheerleader in high school."

10. "You look like you’re from L.A. because your hair is so light."

11. "You definitely like Pumpkin Spiced Lattes from Starbucks!"

12. "Do you actually think blondes have more fun?"

13. "You must encompass the typical “white girl” stereotype."

14. "Is that daddy’s credit card you’re using?"

15. "So all of your friends are blonde too?"

16. "I’m surprised about you; I thought you would be a lot ditsier."

The world's greatest university meets the world's greatest show.

1. When you get your acceptance letter

2. When you try to figure out how class enrollment works

3. When it’s move in day

4. When you arrive on campus and see all of the attractive people

5. FROG Week

6. When you find your squad

7. When you visit DHall (RIP) or EHall for the first time

8. When you take on way too many credits

9. When you go to your first party at JMU

10. When the rival school shows up for the homecoming game (or any game really)

11. Sunday Brunch

12. When you see the infamous “preacher” for the first time

13. The first snow day

14. Madipalooza

15. When finals week rolls around

16. When you have to say goodbye

17. And when you finally get to go back

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