When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind. ― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

My mom laughed at me when I told her I was scared to turn 20 last December. But it was true. The night before my 20th birthday I couldn’t sleep. I was just staring at the ceiling thinking about how 20 years is two decades and what did I have to show for it?

I know I’d been required to go be in school all those years but I still felt like I hadn’t seen or experienced the amount of stuff that I wanted to in those years—that I was behind. I also felt fearful of moving forward, having to become a real adult after college with no long winter or summer vacations and paying bills.

That night while reminiscing over my teen years, I realized that I was leaving my prime years and that I didn’t want to grow up. Those beloved teen years were working out and getting in shape were easily achieved and eating everything in the kitchen was okay because of my high metabolism-but all that is diminishing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very much aware of the fact that 20 is very young but I’m just not liking the change and stress that comes with it. One being, not knowing what I want to do with my life, career wise. I’ve developed ideas of things I want to do that are not job related but those dreams seem far off because everything costs money—something that no one seems to have.

Some of the things I want to do:

1. Live in a big city for a while before settling down.

2. I honestly want to build myself a tiny house on a trailer.

3. Having chickens in my backyard so I have fresh eggs.

4. Go backpacking in Asia and Europe for months.

5. Get my own cat for my tiny house.

6. Go on a Walk Where Jesus Walked Tour.

The thing about getting older is you realize that things just keep going on without you. Like how you begin to no longer know anyone who is graduating from your high school. Or that it is still weird to realize that you are the same age as, or close to, NFL athletes! And that some of the musicians I hear on the radio now are younger than me! When did that happen?

I’ve been told regularly that this is the time to thrive! That I have so much potential at this point in my life and that I have a world of possibilities. I am aware that I overthink things and worry to much but one of my greatest fears is getting up for work everyday and hating my job.

Just like anyone I want to make a difference, help people, and have fun doing it. I don’t want my life to be my job either. I want to live a happy, full, adventurous life that honors God. I know I should embrace my 20s with optimism and confidence but I really am fearful. Hopefully years from now when I read this again I’ll laugh like how my mom laughed at me.

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. ― Anne Frank