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So You've Been Told You're Going To Hell For Being Gay. What's Next?

It's quite simple, really.

Jared Grumney

Feb 18, 2020

The Ohio State University

So You've Been Told You're Going To Hell For Being Gay. What's Next?

live.staticflickr.com

Every queer person has had some sort of opposition to their sexuality; be it from the public, laws set in place, or their fathers. Now that their words solidified your afterlife plans, what should you do to prep? I've got some lovely tips for you that should make your transition easy.

Start taking scalding hot showers.

Since you are going to be in constant hellfire for holding that boy's hand, you might as well get ready for it. Scalding hot showers will not only prep your skin, but if you pop a wrinkly shirt in the bathroom with you, it might come out looking nice and pressed.

Pal around with your local Satanist.

Now that you've been damned for thinking that your social studies teacher in sixth grade was cute, you are going to get a new teacher. Satanists have all the hot goss on your new boss, so might as well start your butt-kissing early!

Engage in capitalism.

Your future map has been marked ever since you and Rebecca made out on the band bus, so you might as well start participating in the most evil ritual in the world! It really mimics the vibe of hell.

Summon demons.

As if your internal demons from the guilt you should feel about being a greedy bisexual aren't enough, you should really summon ones to give you the dish on hell: what the best restaurants are, where to vacation, and the funnest bars.

Pack!

Since you packed up your chances of getting into heaven, might as well start packing that suitcase. You want to bring your best bikini because you will have to stunt on people who have been there since the beginning of time. Also, pack sunscreen. SPF a billion.

I hope that my tips have prepared you for your afterlife. But I was also thinking: if Satan loves sinners, why wouldn't he throw you the best welcome party? Hope you get a window seat!

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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