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So You've Been Told You're Going To Hell For Being Gay. What's Next?

It's quite simple, really.

Jared Grumney

Feb 18, 2020

The Ohio State University

So You've Been Told You're Going To Hell For Being Gay. What's Next?

live.staticflickr.com

Every queer person has had some sort of opposition to their sexuality; be it from the public, laws set in place, or their fathers. Now that their words solidified your afterlife plans, what should you do to prep? I've got some lovely tips for you that should make your transition easy.

Start taking scalding hot showers.

Since you are going to be in constant hellfire for holding that boy's hand, you might as well get ready for it. Scalding hot showers will not only prep your skin, but if you pop a wrinkly shirt in the bathroom with you, it might come out looking nice and pressed.

Pal around with your local Satanist.

Now that you've been damned for thinking that your social studies teacher in sixth grade was cute, you are going to get a new teacher. Satanists have all the hot goss on your new boss, so might as well start your butt-kissing early!

Engage in capitalism.

Your future map has been marked ever since you and Rebecca made out on the band bus, so you might as well start participating in the most evil ritual in the world! It really mimics the vibe of hell.

Summon demons.

As if your internal demons from the guilt you should feel about being a greedy bisexual aren't enough, you should really summon ones to give you the dish on hell: what the best restaurants are, where to vacation, and the funnest bars.

Pack!

Since you packed up your chances of getting into heaven, might as well start packing that suitcase. You want to bring your best bikini because you will have to stunt on people who have been there since the beginning of time. Also, pack sunscreen. SPF a billion.

I hope that my tips have prepared you for your afterlife. But I was also thinking: if Satan loves sinners, why wouldn't he throw you the best welcome party? Hope you get a window seat!

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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So You've Been Told You're Going To Hell For Being Gay. What's Next?

It's quite simple, really.

Start taking scalding hot showers.

Pal around with your local Satanist.

Engage in capitalism.

Summon demons.

Pack!

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The Best Lines from the Fab Four

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful and so are you

Love is old, love is new, love is all, love is you

There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be

Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing and fighting, my friend

He say, "I know you, you know me", One thing I can tell you is you got to be free

Oh please, say to me, You'll let me be your man. And please say to me, You'll let me hold your hand

It was twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play. They've been going in and out of style, but they're guaranteed to raise a smile

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see

Can you hear me? When it rains and shine, it's just a state of mind

Little darling, it's been long cold lonely winter. Little darling, it feels like years since it' s been here. Here comes the sun, Here comes the sun, and I say it's alright

We danced through the night and we held each other tight, and before too long I fell in love with her. Now, I'll never dance with another when I saw her standing there

I love you, I love you, I love you, that's all I want to say

You say you want a revolution. Well you know, we all want to change the world

All the lonely people, where do they all come from. All the lonely people, where do they all belong

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends

Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday

And when the brokenhearted people, living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be.

And anytime you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

I'll give you all I got to give if you say you'll love me too. I may not have a lot to give but what I got I'll give to you. I don't care too much for money. Money can't buy me love

All you need is love, love is all you need

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Though I know I'll never lose affection, for people and things that went before. I know I'll often stop and think about them. In my life, I love you more

Obviously the best superpower.

There have been many lessons learned.

1. The importance of traditions.

2. How to be thankful for family and friends.

3. How to give back.

4. What the word "community" really means.

5. That it isn't about the destination, but the journey.

6. The consequences of making bad choices.

7. To trust people, until you have a reason not to.

8. To be welcoming and accepting of everyone.

9. How to be my own, individual person.

10. How to work for what I want.

11. How to be great at giving directions.

12. How to be humble.

13. To be well-rounded.

14. How to be great at conflict resolution.

15. The beauty of getting outside and exploring.

16. To be prepared for anything.

17. That you don't always have to do it alone.

18. How to be creative.

19. To brush off gossip.

I have never been so thankful to know you.

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

Don't freak out

Email the professor

Attend the first class

Keep attending class

Have a backup plan

Remember that everything works out at the end

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