Hearts. I see them in the most unexpected places… in the shadows of light that grace the ground, in random pieces of food, in leaves, in the crevices of the mountains on my computer lock-screen. I think I see hearts in so many places when others don’t because God knows I need the reminder that life is all about love.

If you were to ask me my favorite shape, it’s hearts. ~

For many years, I’ve struggled with expectations and high ones at that. Not only of others but also of myself. A many time, I hold perfection to heart. When I don’t meet the standard I think God holds for me, I leave bruises under my skin because I obviously fall short of the golden sticker.

‘Tut, tut, Cassie, shame on you for not being better.’

Routine doesn’t help. The devil preys on my weaknesses. He pours gasoline on the pile of petrified wood, and I’m off to the races. There are days I’m held in bondage to pick up piece after piece of trash, and if I don’t… that’s NOT okay. I get down on myself when I don’t talk to that person when I probably should have, feel miserable teetering the on-going mind battle in whether I should open my Bible in the car and read since I have thirty, and carry my Bible in my backpack because who knows, maybe I’ll have a conversation with a questioning atheist. All these things are good, but in my mind, they’re required with rules and restlessness. When I make it a chore instead of an enjoyment, it’s all pointless. I’m doing them to check off my good deeds for the day. I often ride on the waves of feelings instead of surfing the tides of grace. Of course, God can use any circumstance for good. He doesn’t want me living off of shame and a to-do list of nothings in the first place.

Addictions: food, drugs, alcohol, porn, sex, comparison, masturbation, ect. I struggle with overeating. I beat myself silly when I eat like a reckless driver, and then I can go all ba-hum-bug the rest of the day because of something I chose to do.

‘Man, Cassie. You’re never going to learn.’

I will. I have in the past. Yes, I’ve eaten too much and regret it. That mistake doesn’t own me. It’s nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more.

“But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.” –Philippians 3:13b

It’s so important to look at how far God has brought us. My highest recorded weight was almost forty pounds over what I am now. I exercise regularly and eat so much healthier than what I did ten years ago.

“Okay God, so I ate five suger-induced cookies and then some. God, I’m sorry I took this struggle back into my own hands and fed Your temple with overindulgence. Please forgive me.” Now, I’ll place it back into the hands of the Father and live pleasing to Him starting now.

The reason the Old Testament had so many rules back in the day was because Christ had not yet come. God allowed these rules to show people they could never be perfect and that trying to make amends on our own (all those animal sacrifices) is flat out tiring. We cannot do anything good or worth while on our own.

Truth is, I can’t be better. Not on my own. I could do everything I feel I’m supposed to and still feel dry as dirt. When I’m living in Christ’s freedom though, I’m a whole different me. No longer am I trying to live in the flesh, selfishly swimming in the disastrous whirlpool of what I can do, but I’m magnifying what God has done, what He can do. Jesus died on the cross, not so that I could keep trying to attain perfection but because He was perfect and already attained the blessing of forgiveness for mankind.

The whole point of a heart is love. Love is sacrifice, giving up what we cannot control, and mercy, forgiving ourselves and others. Love is not religion. Love is relationship. Hearts are reminders of His love and our mission as believers to spread it. Rules are in the past; relationship is here and now. I become free in Christ when I lay all those worries before God and proclaim the truths: “God, I cannot do life on my own. You don’t keep a chart of all the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ things I’ve done, and I thank You. You love me regardless, and Your desire is for me to grow in love for You and Your people. You died to sin, and since You died to sin – past, present, and future – I’ve died to it too. Help me live the way You desire me too. I just want to rest and live in Your joy, Jesus.”

“When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross.” –Colossians 2:13-14