A thrilling tale of how heartbreak was the best thing that ever happened to me.
The first time I fell in love, it was all encompassing. I was not exactly aware of how it got to that point, but I was extremely aware of when it did. I remember being awake at 3 a.m. fighting with him, like always, and shouting, “How did this happen?” with my hands plastered to my forehead. My mind was racing with flashbacks of the past, and the reality of the moment and none of it made sense. In the beginning, we started to water our seeds of interest with constant texting, late night beach trips, gift giving and kissing for hours on end. Eventually, we began to see progress. Our seed was now a miraculous sprout peeking out from the ground. We were filled with so much excitement that I suppose neither of us could think straight. He wanted to protect our harvest from all the harm he knew could come to it. As a result, our crop was smothered before it could blossom. With no room to grow, what would have flowered, wilted instead. He volunteered to be the one to end things and rip what had manifested itself as a weed from its roots.
Emotions were sharp as anger and confusion pierced my heart. My mind was in a tailspin at how quickly he decided to wash his hands of all of our memories. Our love which had been simmering on a bed of hot coals was now as cold as a sheet of solid ice. After two years, I was treated like a complete stranger. My texts were ignored, eye contact was nonexistent, and the tenderness to which I'd grown accustomed was replaced with unrecognizable bitterness. I was reeling. During my time of mourning, I'd call upon my friends to convene in my dorm room for support. Thankfully, they'd show up in droves to help rid me of my sorrow. One night specifically stands out in my mind. As tears washed away my face mask, I said, “How could I have let this happen? I should have tried to take better care of him and what we had.” It was in that moment that I was hit with a shocking realization. One my supporters leaned over to me while shaking her head, and exclaimed, “If he wanted to save what you two had, he would have. If he truly loved you, he would have kept pressing on.” I'd had it wrong the whole time. I stayed silent for a moment while this sunk into my brain. Our little sprout in the ground had not been dead, it just needed time to breathe. It needed nurturing and patience. If only he would have thought it through before making such a rash decision, I wouldn’t be writing this from Italy right now.
I suppose things do happen for my own good, although it can be painful at times. Each morning I'd wake up to a living nightmare. The first thoughts upon opening my eyes would be of my current awful place in life. My heart ached with rejection and sadness. After two weeks of this unbearable pain, I decided to use my misery as motivation. Something in me switched. I suddenly had an inkling that life had more to offer than my current state. Like the miracle of feeling better after a bout with sickness, I rose from the doldrums. I began seeking an internship through school. I was specifically seeking something international, as it was my desire to leave my haunting memories of a soured love behind. I realized as I researched that meeting people of a different culture and experiencing new surroundings was what I craved. I wanted to believe in happy endings again by making a new start.
It’s been almost seven months since the breakup and, although I never thought I'd say this, I couldn’t be happier. I am writing this from Capalbio, Italy and it surpasses everything I have dreamt of. My lungs are filled with fresh air, my eyes are exposed to the Tyrrhenian Sea, and my belly is filled with pasta, pasta, and more pasta. I am discovering parts of myself that I never even knew existed and I have developed a strength that only God could have given me. Funny how after seeing that I survived without him, he came back with his tail between his legs and asked me to forgo my trip to work on “us.” I now know freedom without him. When you build something with somebody, whether it gets past the beginning stages or developed for two years like my relationship did, you intertwine a part of your soul with theirs. I’m here to tell you that though I felt like I was going to die sometimes (most of the time), I've lived through it. I’m here to tell you that even though this chapter has ended, it is not the end of your story. I’m here to tell you that if you're experiencing heartbreak, it may lead you to the coolest stage of your life. It may be the heartbreak of a lifetime. Caio!
