"Come to me,all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

This verse has always been one of my favorites because I have always felt like it spoke straight to all of us who have lost sight of our faith. But this year has shown what it was really like to really feel "weary and burdened". I've learned this year what a mighty God we serve, but also what a relentless and vigilant Satan we battle.

2020 started full-force as it delivered disappointment and defeat on a silver platter early on. As I fell short of a goal I had worked so hard mentally and physically to achieve. Followed shortly after this, our entire world came to a complete stop.

As an extrovert I STRUGGLED!! I thrive on the basic interactions of other human beings and after two months of barely seeing anyone, I was put back on anxiety medicine to help my mind and soul rest. Mid-year rolls around, life comes back to normal, and I begin to breathe. Work begins again, t-ball comes back and my head finally feels like it's back above the water.

August brought both sunshine and heartache.

My life was finally where I had prayed for it to be! I wish I could bottle that feeling up, to just get a feel of it from time to time. But just a few weeks into August, I went from thanking God, to questioning him.

I left SWLA on August 26, employed, living in a trailer, and mentally strong. I returned August 28, unemployed (for what would be 2.5 months), homeless, with my faith shaken, and my thoughts everywhere as we began the "what comes next" process after a devastating hurricane.

I won't even pretend that I didn't set sail straight to rock bottom. I had to move in with my brother, my sister had to quit the job she loved so much to move in with our mom, I felt like I was going broke, and I allowed Satan to control every thought that I had. After working vigorously to stay mentally stable... the deep, dark, dreadful thoughts came back with pure vengeance. For the first time in 4 years, I was scared of the thoughts in my head and scared to be by myself.

But then I remembered who was in control, and I remembered who I pushed to the back burner in an attempt to make sense of the hell we had all been experiencing. There was no way our God was doing this to us! Not the same God who's says to go to him when we are weary and burdened. But then I remembered another one of my favorite verses. Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." For the past 11 months I have allowed Satan to control my thoughts which has caused my vision on what Christ was doing to be fogged. My faith grew weary, and my heart grew burdened, but I allowed that to excuse my abandonment of my faith.

I was blinded to see what a beautiful plan of growth and teachings that God was putting right in front of me. I didn't see the opportunity to learn, at the beginning of the year, that you can appreciate a defeat as much as a victory. You can also grow from defeat, where you can't do that in a victory. Thanks to Covid, I was able to go home and spend time with my momma I hadn't had since I graduated high school. I learned how exciting and satisfying both gardening and antiquing can be. I didn't acknowledge that it was God who made my teaching spot possible, and that feeling of pride came when I was so grateful to get that teaching position at the daycare, because it was the first thing I had really worked out, and prayed for (as an "adult"). I didn't see that God was putting me under the roof of my precious nephew and godchild, giving me a front row seat of watching those sweet babies grow. I didn't see that he was allowing me the opportunity to grow my relationship with my brother and sister-in-law. I didn't see how God was humbling me in seeing that we are all going through hard times and I am not alone. And the darkest, hardest lesson. I wasn't seeing that God was helping me remember how it felt to build myself up, and ask for help. He helped me find the courage to reply "No ma'am" when my God-send of a momma asked if I was doing ok. He reminded me how it was okay to walk into a doctors office and say "I need help because I am not ok". I was blinded by the weakness of a devil that thrives on despair, that I wasn't seeing where my faith could be growing so immensely.

While 2020 was hell in a hand basket, I believe wholeheartedly God had control the entire time, and there was a great need of showing us all how to be humble, grateful, and have a faith renewal. Those things don't come through the excitement, the highs, and the beautiful parts of life. He shows us through heartache, trials, and despair, that even in darkest of times, there is a beauty in the faithful we have in Christ. And I am disappointed in myself that I even allowed myself to get here in this place.

I pray that 2021 will be better for all of us. That God prevails in a brighter, more promising, and refreshing way. But if not, I pray we don't turn a blind eye to our faith. I pray that we all remember to never let the grip of Satan blind our eye on Gods bigger plan. May we all remember that during that during those times of being weary and burdened, that it is then that Gods plan is in play.