This is a message to all those beautiful people out there who have gotten their hearts broken and can’t patch themselves up again. I have been there, I understand what it feels like, but it’s not the end of the world. I promise you, there will be many people out there who strongly desire to have a place in your heart.

Now, I have heard these words again and again and again… “Don’t accept anything less than you deserve… There are plenty of fish in the sea… Do this, do that, don’t do this, definitely don’t do that!” I am sure we are all tired of being told what we don’t want to hear, especially when you may or may not still love that person. From experience, though, I am here to tell you that there are five ways to move on from your ex when you still love him or her.

By clutching on to only the good memories and forgetting the ones that brought us pain, we are keeping ourselves from fully being happy. We have to remember and recall why the breakup happened in the first place. Who was right or wrong isn’t of much importance, but what is important is that the pain from any breakup- good or bad- is awful and holds you back in many ways.

Step One for getting over a breakup: You NEED to cut off all means of contact with this person.

Most of us, including myself, have tried to move straight into being friends after breaking up. It is natural to want to keep that hope of the relationship still possibly working alive, because it is too emotionally painful to completely let this person go. The only person you need when you break up with someone is yourself, because only yourself is going to be able to pick the pieces back up and move forward. (Of course, having friends by your side to support you is very beneficial and healthy as well.) A best friend, or a good friend, at the very least, is someone who can care for you, support you, and only have great intentions for you. If there was hurt and pain in a relationship, how can you truly expect that person to be able to fully be there for you through thick and thin? A relationship like this can inevitably lead to more pain. It doesn’t allow the healing process to begin and holds both parties in a limbo. When you are in pain, you become vulnerable and you need to set boundaries and work on your own self-healing to promote health self-care and positivity. It will be difficult, but when both people are able to move on from the pain, it will be a healthy relationship, and possibly even a friendship. Of course, if relationships end because of long distance, or something to that extent, it is also important to cut off contact until both can truly be in a stage of friendship. By holding on, it doesn’t let either person move on and be the best version of themselves that they can possibly be. There isn’t a date to look for during this healing process. This process takes time, and although it sucks to hear, time will tell.

Step Two for getting over a breakup: Stop focusing on the fairytale of how you thought this relationship would be.

Once a relationship is over, it is hard not to think over all of the things that could have prevented the relationship from going in a downward spiral. “Maybe if I did or didn’t do this then we would still be together.” Most people grieve and mourn over the relationship they wish they had with that specific person. They make up a fantasy of how that person is in their heads and hold them up to be a much better person than they might have been. The relationship we make in our heads after a breakup are dreams and ideal scenarios of what we wish happened or of only the good memories of the relationship. We fail to remember all the pain we were put through, or the reasons why that person may have not been good for us in the long run. Of course, the relationships started out amazingly well. I mean, you wouldn’t get into a relationship, if you didn’t like a person, right? People need to stop focusing on what could have happened and what should have happened, and stop focusing on the beginning honeymoon phase of a relationship; it’s the entire relationship that counts, not just the sweet beginning moments.

A few great strategies that have personally helped me and many people I know is talking about the pain that the person you broke up with did to you. Writing it down or talking about the pain and the hurt that person caused you is crucial at this stage in the mourning cycle. The point is to remember all of the bad AND good things in the relationship, but to accept the bad and begin to accept all of the reasons why the relationship had to end. You aren’t supposed to focus on hate or anger, but rather on understanding and being able to forgive, but not forget. To move on, a person has to get out of the denial phase and accept all of the painful memories that did occur, as well as the good ones.

Step Three for getting over a breakup: Start to forgive, but not forget!

I know at this point you are probably furious for the way you were treated and want to hold onto that anger. It’s easier to hate than forgive sometimes, but that will only keep you in the past. When someone betrays your trust, it’s extremely painful. A helpful tactic in forgiving is being able to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, because MOST of the time a person hurts you, it comes out of self-interest, not an intention to hurt you. Also, seeing the bad and good in the person helps make this process easier. If you focus on JUST the negatives, it is guaranteed that you will hold onto hate, and while it may not be love anymore, it still prevents you from moving on with your life and happiness. To forgive, you need to accept the good and the bad. Once you can think about the good memories as well as the bad, you are off to a really great start in moving on from the pain and hurt a person may have caused you. Holding onto grudges only sets you behind, not the other person. Try to see that the other person may have made mistakes, and wasn’t trying to be a terrible person. Of course, this doesn't apply to every situation out there, but it is an essential key part of the moving on with your life process.

Step Four for getting over a breakup: Don’t beat yourself up for still caring about that other person.

That person played a significant role in your life. You don’t need to start hating a person to move on from that person, you just need to focus on why you may not be good for one another. Sometimes loving a person is about letting them go, and wanting to see them be happy. Love sometimes isn’t enough to stay in a relationship. There a lot of other essential factors at play here, and it is important to address them and accept them.

Step Five for getting over a breakup: Put yourself over anyone else.

My mom always told me that you will accept the love you think you deserve and that no one can ever love you if you don’t love yourself. You need to understand how special and truly beautiful you are inside and out. You can’t put others before you in situations like these, because then you are holding yourself back from true and real happiness. Life is too short to keep yourself stuck in a situation you aren’t extremely happy about. Every relationship we come across helps us see flaws within ourselves. Instead of looking at ourselves in a negative light, we need to address these flaws and work on them to make ourselves the best version of ourselves that we can possibly be.

That being said, time heals all wounds. These steps aren’t for everyone, and definitely don’t apply to every situation of heartbreak. These steps are my personal version of mending my heart back together after a breakup. I hope some of these steps can help you in your lives and help you to see how special you are.

Besides that, here is a poem that I turned into a song when I was extremely hurt over a boyfriend a few years ago…

Lustful Boy

The boy came in, a virgin at most

unaware of the devilish horn she had rose

He made his bed, a kiss of black lipstick

makeup remover can’t fix such a misfit

He went three years spiraling out of control

into a table top spinner with a point edge

He met death face to face

a weapon, a sucker for grace

He was granted a wish by a genie of lies

the only thing he cared for was his own demise

he planted the seeds and done in perfect wrong

he sabotaged his plans and wrote a few weeping songs

He grasped on harshly to the blooming spring

to lose what had befallen him, the nicest thing

he like a man of Tim Burton

a peculiar fool who made scribbles and scrabbles and ended with a whoop de doo!

His designs fiddled on top of his roof

he broke his web

and fell out in the shape of two

Such a handsome boy he was they cried

His mom and dad tried to be proud

of their dancer, their charmer, their love, their star

They tried to get him lessons, brains weren’t his forte

his talents risen from a deep performing lust

In deep June, July, heading to November-January, May

He lost the thing he deeply loved most

or was it all lies a folktale would show

He concerned all his friends and the girl of his dreams

and fell off the balance beam cracking his head and spleen.