Conflict In Relationships: How Do You Choose To Fight? | The Odyssey Online
Start writing a post
Relationships

Conflict In Relationships: How Do You Choose To Fight?

How you choose to fight and your approach to conflict resolution can make or break your relationship.

1841
Conflict In Relationships: How Do You Choose To Fight?


Season 4 Break GIF by FriendsGiphy

I'm sure most of us remember the infamous Ross and Rachel fiasco: "We were on a break!" A clear message that depicts relational conflict, which is inevitable, common, and consequential in close relationships. Specifically in romantic relationships, they are bound to happen. The question then becomes, how should couples communicate during conflict?

... No, I'm looking to you for the answer. To hell if I know. The best I can do is share what I've learned, which I guess is all we can do, right?

I believe the first thing to do is discover for ourselves is what your stress responses is. What is a stress response? Great question I would love to let Google tell you: "The stress response, or 'fight or flight' response is the emergency reaction system of the body. It is there to keep you safe in emergencies. The stress response includes physical and thought responses to your perception of various situations." Good ol' reliable Google. A lot of these can result in physical reactions, but for arguments sake (literally), let's talk about verbal, emotional actions.

I volunteer as tribute - I'll be vulnerable and share my toxic stress response: I tend to be a very high volumed yeller, or in some cases, can result in physicality. Sis ain't proud. It's hard for me to admit, but the first step in fixing your behavior, is to acknowledge it, right? Besides, accountability will always feel like an attack to someone who isn't ready to acknowledge their behavior - remember that for yourself and for others. I full heartedly believe if you can discover your personal stress response(s), then you can learn to control them better in emotional situations. If you continue to engage in your toxic behavior, it can be extremely damaging and detrimental to yourself, your partner and any future relationships you have.

Want to know a fun fact? "Misunderstanding is the cause of 90% of all conflicts. So simply giving the parties a chance to understand each other is huge." Man, Google is the best. A huge revelation for me was actually understanding what a "misunderstanding" was. Where I used to think, "Oh, we just misunderstood and miscommunicated with each other." La la la, bring on the singing birds and sunshine. Don't get me wrong, miscommunication is definitely a huge part of it. However, I learned recently that more misunderstandings stem from a conscious choice to misunderstand your partner, or rather, you're refusing to understand them.

When you stop and think about it from that logical perspective and less from an emotional standpoint, you realize how unbelievably messed up that is. A key component to truly, genuinely, rawly and authentically love someone is to make the conscious decision to know that they do not have the same brain as you do; therefore, they do not think or process things the way that you do. And guess what? That's okay. If someone had the same brain and thought process as you, I'm pretty sure you'd just be dating yourself. I don't know what y'all but I don't really want to date a version of me... but hey, I'm not here to judge. I want a partner who will honor and take care of me, my thoughts, feelings and opinions but also challenge me in a respectful, loving way to think more broadly and less narrow-minded, when necessary - A.K.A. call me out on my bullshit. With that being said, I would also appreciate a partner who values me enough to view me as the same for them. Having that beautiful balance in a partnership, I've learned, is super important with having a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

The next crucial realization was learning that conflicts continue to escalate because instead of teaming up with your partner and going against the problem, you team up with the problem and fight against your partner. There is this heightened desperate need we all get when caught in conflict to prove why we're "right." One of the biggest lessons I learned from this: when you're both trying so desperately to prove to the other person why you're 'right' and why they're 'wrong', you both miss the point of partnership. So in the end, you both lose. What's the point? You end up pushing your partner further away, and take it from me, your pride isn't as important as your person. Instead of trying to be right, try to be the light.

At the end of the day, if there's no conflict resolution, if one or both partners don't talk about the situation, it will be a continual cycle of destruction and damage to the relationship. It will do nothing but build resentment, cause anger and bitterness, which will then likely lead to the devastating result of falling out of love with your partner and giving up. This always breaks my heart to think about this being the cause to the end because it could've been prevented.

As painful, sometimes awkward and uncomfortable these conversations can be, they are very necessary. It's one thing, however, to sit and discuss the issue at hand but then to follow forth with changed action and behavior is what will truly keep a relationship healthy. An apology without changed behavior is just manipulation.

When all is said and done, only you can control you. Our greatest power in life is our ability to respond. During those arguments and off-days with your partner, try to stay grounded in what really matters. Hold on to your love for this individual rather than your ego. Remember why you started, why you chose them, why you fell in love with them. They're still that same person from your first date as they are in that emotional conflict. It really all is a choice, and what a beautiful honor that is, right? To say, "I choose them to go through the good, bad and ugly times with." When life takes you through battles and to war, to know that you've got the strongest soldier fighting with you - never against you... that's badass.

Life isn't easy, and it has a funny way of making love hard. To have someone walk with you, knowing you can trust and count on them, who stands beside you, laughs with you, challenges you and adores every piece of you - that is a love worth fighting for.

From Your Site Articles
Related Articles Around the Web
Report this Content
Does anybody know how to study
Gurl.com

It’s here; that time of year when college students turn into preschoolers again. We cry for our mothers, eat everything in sight, and whine when we don’t get our way. It’s finals, the dreaded time of the semester when we all realize we should have been paying attention in class instead of literally doing anything else but that. Everyone has to take them, and yes, unfortunately, they are inevitable. But just because they are here and inevitable does not mean they’re peaches and cream and full of rainbows. Surviving them is a must, and the following five phases are a reality for all majors from business to art, nursing to history.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

How To Prepare For The Library: Finals Edition

10 ways to prepare for finals week—beginning with getting to the library.

1602
How To Prepare For The Library: Finals Edition
Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

It’s that time of year again when college students live at the library all week, cramming for tests that they should have started studying for last month. Preparing to spend all day at the library takes much consideration and planning. Use these tips to help get you through the week while spending an excessive amount of time in a building that no one wants to be in.

Keep Reading...Show less
girl roommates
StableDiffusion

Where do we begin when we start talking about our roommates? You practically spend every moment with them, they become your second family and they deal with you at your best and at your absolute worst. They are there to make you laugh just a little harder, cry a little less and make each day a little better. We often forget to thank them for the little things that they do to make college even a tiny bit easier and more fun. This list of 26 things are what you should thank your roommates for right this minute and every day that you live with them.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

20 Thoughts While Studying For Finals

I may or may not be stressing right now.

2265
Thoughts While Studying For Finals
StableDiffusion


That time of the semester has arrived once again, finals. The worst week ever. Who thought it was a good idea for all your classes to have exams all in the same week? Definitely not me. Here's 20 thoughts you may have studying for finals.

Keep Reading...Show less
Entertainment

Disney magic for New Year!

The "Happiest Place on Earth" has a lot of characters with some pretty great advice.

7059
Disney magic kingdom castle on new years
StableDiffusion

Disney movies are well known and very popular in today's world. Although many people appreciate the plot and the storyline, not many people appreciate the wisdom these characters possess. Every Disney movie has unique advice that can be applied to everyday life. Here are 11 Disney quotes to help start your New Year off right:

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments