For as long as I can remember, I’ve always thought I had some kind of cancer that was just waiting to kill me. I’ll ignore whatever logic is there and think only of the worst possible scenario. Most recently, I convinced myself I had brain cancer and it’s given me a headache which only furthers my suspicions. Nevermind that I don’t have any other symptoms other than a dull headache but that’s beside the point.
It started when I was a young girl, probably around 13. I thought I had breast cancer because I had a weird rash and a friend of our family had it and died. From then on, any bump or bruise and I suddenly think I have a life-ending disease coming for me.
In the last year alone, I have thought I have ovarian, cervical, throat, thyroid, and brain cancer. Why? I have a slight discomfort in the area it’s concentrated in. My current woes of brain cancer are caused by a pain in my neck forcing me to have a constant headache. But that logic fails my worrisome mind.
Maybe it’s an attention thing, I want people to see me and give me all the attention they can. Or maybe I’m just twisted in the brain. I think it’s more that I have so much more I want to do in the world and dying young isn’t something I want. I want to be in my 90s and looking at all my awards and accomplishments and then roll over like Yoda and disappear into the Force.
But one day, I’ll rise above it all. I’ll realize I’m sore because I don’t sleep as much as I should and I don’t drink enough water. I’ll be aware that my headache is because I hurt myself and I don’t drink enough water. I’ll come to the conclusion that I don’t drink enough water.
But until then, I’ll continue to think I’m going to drop dead from a terrible disease tomorrow and I’ll just have to accept that.
