Take one step forward. Two back. Three more forward. Then seven more back.
It's a push and pull kind of thing. A give more than you can take kind of thing. A battle won, a battle lost, but always a potential victory for the war-kind of thing.
Healing is not easy. Healing does not start with sunshine and butterflies. Healing is that dark cloudy storm that keeps flying overhead. Healing is hiding under the covers in hopes that the darkness shields you from the rest of the world. Healing is an hour outside with people, and twelve inside by yourself. Healing is a two hour nap instead of a six hour nap. Healing is a ten minute bath instead of and eighty five minute nap. Healing is progress, and that is the best way I can put it.
Today everyone wants change to occur at the snap of a finger or a flick of a switch. We want to see progress immediately. We want makes bounds and leaps, and skip over each little tip toe between.
But nothing that is worthwhile comes easy. Nothing is built without a strong foundation. Nothing is achieved without dedicating long hours, nights, and weeks. Nothing is a walk in the park.
Yet, we still get discouraged when we face minor setbacks. We maximize those issues instead of viewing those times as a potential moment to learn and grow. We see the problem, and not the solution.
Healing is never going to occur over night. Healing comes with tumbles and falls. Healing comes with relapses. Healing comes with pain, sadness, hurt, and despair. Healing comes with more mountains to climb. Healing comes with time, no matter what.
I wanted to believe that I could heal instantly. I wanted to believe that I could fly with a broken wing. I wanted to believe that my wounds would stop bleeding with one touch. I wanted to believe healing would be quick and simple, and it was not.
Relapses have occurred. I cut in high school, sought help, and after therapy I returned to cutting. After I "got help," I still self-harmed. I returned to a psychiatric unit and worked harder. I still think about cutting. A year and 78 days since I have. And counting.
Triggers have grew stronger. I used to be able to drink alcohol and not feel anything. Then depressive symptoms emerged, turned to impact those I love, and so I vowed to maintain sobriety. As a 22 year-old, you can imagine how easy that has been when all social activities revolve around drinks. I choose to avoid them whenever I can, but I still think about taking a sip. 54 days since I have drank. And counting.
Break downs hit me out of no where. I still let stress build, so maybe not "no where." But I am learning about self-care and how to take care of myself. I think about self harm, I think about life being easier without me, and I think about giving up. I remember why I am here. I remember my purpose. I remember people need me, and I need them. I have texted the crisis hotline whenever I have been pushed just too far. 77 days since I sent that message. And counting.
I never thought that I would be the person who hit so many ups and downs in life. I always thought that growing up, I had a life just like everyone else's. I realized later in life that my normalcy is drastically different from others. I also recognized how much struggle and pain I had felt over the years. Today, I still do not give myself credit for enduring the things that I have.
I don't think most people take the time to recognize how far they have come. We get caught in the mishaps along the way, especially when it comes to healing. If you are like me, you think that one misstep and you spiral out of control. You will travel down that dark path again. You will be forced back to square one.
But the crazy thing about healing is, you never go back there. You know your way back. You know which way you want to go. You have learned that you want to fight. You have learned that you will fight. You have learned that you are fighting. You have learned that you always, will keep fighting.
