There are three common types of eating disorders: anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge eating disorder. I’ve gone through all three, and they made my life really hard. But specifically, they didn’t let me enjoy really great times of my life, such as spending the holidays with my friends and family. Yes, I refer to the disorders as “they” because they felt like a different person telling me what to do in my head, and each had a very different voice.

The first disorder I went through was anorexia. I had a skewed vision of my body and I thought that even smelling food would make me gain weight. I had a list of “acceptable” foods on my phone that I could eat at restaurants and at home, and excessively counted calories. When the holidays came around, I absolutely feared going to holiday parties, and if I did, I stuck to the veggie plate while I judged everyone else, counting how many calories were probably in that peppermint brownie that they were eating. My family questioned why I wouldn’t eat more during dinner, saying, “You’re too skinny! Here, have some pumpkin pie.” When I turned it down, I got looks of worry/ judgement. I remember I gave in on Christmas dinner and ate a cookie, then went for a walk in the freezing weather to burn it off because I was so afraid of gaining weight from the extra calories.

After months of in-care therapy came binge eating disorder, where my body basically rejoiced after being put through starvation by going to the other side of the spectrum. Food basically became my best friend, my rush of dopamine when I was having a bad day. At holiday parties, I hardly talked to my friends and would just stuff my face on all the sweets that were offered, even taking some to eat later. My perception of the holidays changed from a time of happiness to a time where all I did was eat and gain weight. I grew to dread December.

Not wanting to stop eating but longing to lose weight, I developed bulimia disorder, where after bingeing at home or at a restaurant, I would excuse myself to the bathroom and run sink water while I discarded the food that I just consumed. This was the absolute worst disorder of the three for me. It was painful, and everyone knew behind my back the reason why I went to the bathroom so often. It was during Christmas dinner, where I stood up to go to the restroom, that I saw my mom give me the saddest, most disappointed look that I have ever seen and told me, “please, not today.”

Right then and there I decided that it was time to stop. It took a lot of years to build back my self-love and have a normal perception of food. Sure, I didn't have a "normal' Christmas for a while, until I finally let go of my obsession of wanting the perfect body, and my emotional addiction to food slowly faded away. The holidays went back to being the happiest time of the year for me when I spent enjoying food with my loved ones, and not with “them.”

If you or someone you know is battling with an eating disorder, you can visit https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support, or call their toll free, confidential Helpline at 1-800-931-2237.