As a child of divorce, you know it kind of sucks for you and your siblings – constantly doing a shape shifting act from home to home – but I didn’t consider my parents' feelings about it up until recently. My perspective has shifted to divorce being the ultimate breakup. While I know my parents don’t hold feelings for one another, giving the divorce that consideration and applying my own life experiences to it has given me a new perspective and understanding of why things are the way they are. Being a child with divorced parents is kind of like being the friend of a couple that breaks up: You still want to be friends with both of them, you know they’re both going to tell you the good, the bad, and the ugly opinions they have about the other, and there’s no chance you’re all going to be hanging out unless you have an awkward run-in at a party. At times, you think about how the break up sucks for you, but it's important to step back and think about how it’s definitely a lot worse for them.
Divorce is all I’ve ever known. I don’t remember a time when my parents lived together nor do I remember them loving each other. I don’t look at it as coming from a broken home, I just see that I have two homes, two separate families, and two different ways of life. I can’t miss my parents being together because I have no memories of that. I hold no animosity towards them for the divorce happening because I have no reference of a so-called “better-life” that I’m missing out on. In my eyes, divorce was probably the best decision that was made that impacted my brother and I, but having two separate families doesn’t come without difficulty.
There are the known “perks” to having divorced parents. It's true that if I’m fighting with one, I can go to the other's home for refuge. If one says “no,” there is a good chance the other parent will say “yes.” If I need something, I have two different support systems. When I need to vent to one about the other, I can do so unrestrictedly without the worry of facing consequences, as the words that are said won’t be shared with the other parent. I have two rooms, more pets than most, a unique relationship with each parent and, yes, I do have two Christmas celebrations.
But that’s where it begins to get difficult. As a kid, I think the excitement of Christmas overshadowed the impending guilt. There was less care and concern for where I was and who I was with, only regard for where the next batch of presents would be. Since growing up, I’ve become more aware of the guilt I face on holidays. While I don’t think my parents intend to place burdening expectations on my brother and I, it is hard to ignore the fact that one parent is always “left behind.” The excitement of holidays and celebrations (including birthdays) diminishes greatly when you end up traveling back and forth to make sure you’re spending enough time with each parent. Despite efforts made to have that quality time, there is always the feeling that someone is disappointed and the frustration that someone is missing. Unfortunately, those feelings carry over from holidays into day-to-day life. There is the guilt of seeing one parent more than the other. There's anger at being the messenger between two opposing forces. There's the sadly legitimate stress of, “How are these two going to be in the same room for my own wedding?”
But as a child of divorce, you’ve learned to become a chameleon, able to adapt to each situation with each parent. You’ve been trained over the years to adjust, and you make it work. Because you have to. There will always be the frustrations, anger, resentment, and disappointments, but be confident that your experiences have taught you to manage. You know change is okay because you live in a constant shift between homes and lifestyles. You’re more likely to be spontaneous because you’re not tied to a single place. You’re resourceful because you had to learn what you were going to do in 7th grade when you left all your makeup at Mom’s and you were at Dad’s for the night. You’re independent because you know that sometimes it's easier to just do it yourself, rather than bouncing like a ping-pong ball back and forth between parents to get something accomplished. You’re better at communicating because you’ve had to learn different ways to approach two very different people. So, whether it's your broken up friends or your divorced parents, know that it’ll be stressful, sometimes awkward, a lot of the time annoying, and most likely not ideal, but that’s okay. And so are you.
