“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world” -Harriet Tubman

About two years ago, it had come to my attention that an opportunity to Study Abroad with St. John’s had become available. Growing up, I learned of my grandparents trips to and from Sicily. My grandfather grew up in little towns such as Castelvetrano and Partanna, and from his stories, it had always been a dream of mine to travel.

My freshman year of college was very emotionally stressful. I destroyed what was left of my high school relationship, became very distant from my loved ones, and isolated myself. By sophomore year, I experienced lows I never knew existed. Depression had a grip on my life and I did not know how to get out of that debilitating hold. Around Christmas time I decided that enough was enough. I want more out of this life. I have goals and dreams and I must push forward every single day if I am ever going to be successful. I applied to Study Abroad, and by April I had received my acceptance.

On my 20th birthday, I got my passport, and spread the news to those who mattered to me that in the fall semester of my Junior year of college I would be studying in Europe. St. John’s offers a program called Discover The World. It’s a rotation of three cities; Rome, Seville, and Paris. Nothing had ever sounded more perfect to me. My mother and I would talk about my mental instability and whether or not I would be able to handle FOUR months out of the country and without my support system. Clearly I had thought about all of these factors on my own, but my pride was telling me that I would get through it just fine.

My grandfather brought me to Rome on August 23rd, 2015. That first week was incredible and I felt as though everything had fallen into place. I booked trips all over Europe. I was on top of the world! After five weeks, we packed up and moved to Sevilla, Spain. At this point I was missing home, having difficulty adjusting to the Siesta and food, and not sleeping well. Fast forward six more weeks, November 12th, 2015; myself and my rotation lands in Paris. The suicide bombing terrorists attacks occurred on the night of Friday November 13th, we had not even been in Paris for 24 hours. I was already struggling, a trip I had planned with friends from home had been cancelled, and I had hit my boiling point. I waited 10 long, dreary days, and arrived home to New York on November 23rd, 2015. I left the program four weeks early due to this and several other different events and circumstances.

Let me be clear, I wouldn’t trade these experiences for anything. I feel so blessed; I was surrounded by good people and beautiful cities, I got to eat cool new food, and I was always trying new things. But there was something that I needed to face: I was and still am depressed.

I would like to encourage other people to face their demons and Study Abroad if they want to. Although I sometimes felt like a burden to my friends (because I had opted out of a few weekend trips and spent a couple days not moving from my bed; Shout out to “Ohana”), I have realized that I am capable of handling more than I ever thought I could. Being alone and in a different country, I soon felt stronger than ever. It was in fact possible to still experience happiness even though I was suffering. It is okay to not be okay. Being anxious or depressed is not something people should be ashamed of. I studied abroad, depressed, and I am extremely overcome with happiness. Making my dreams a reality has broadened my horizons and taught me that in the future chapters of my life, nothing is impossible.