Everyone gets nervous. It was only in the last few years, however, that I realized other people aren't nervous ALL OF THE TIME. When I was introduced to the idea that sometimes, other people could "relax" and "enjoy the moment", I felt robbed. I had been a worrier as a kid, telling whoever was babysitting me that my parents might have gotten into a horrible car accident every time their date night stretched past nine thirty.
Above is my mother holding my hair after a breakdown because I was scared of going swing dancing with my friends. She came in while I was sitting on the floor, sobbing and made me brave enough to go do something I wasn't familiar with. I know that taking a picture of myself mid-breakdown is a weird thing but I thought I could write a kick-ass article about what anxiety looks like.
Since reaching the end of high school, it became clear that I was more than just worried. I was anxious. Most of the time. Edge of your seat, don't sleep at night, cannot focus anxious. I started seeing a therapist and that helped a lot for a long time. SPOILER ALERT, college is harder and people who never stressed, are now stressed. Stress makes me nervous. Other people's stress makes me nervous.
I struggled through an entire year of my undergrad and a month of my second year before I had to go to the emergency room for heart palpitations. Shockingly (not shockingly), they found nothing wrong with my heart- it was stress induced. I had no tests that week, no papers due, as far as I could tell, there was nothing that was stressing me out, I AM JUST STRESSED. So now I have a neat little prescription for a low dose of anti-anxiety medication and a new respect for people who have been medicated for anxiety, or any mental illness for that matter. It's hard to feel a stigma until its affecting you. I had always advocated for mental health awareness, unashamed of telling people that I saw a therapist. But now, I was embarrassed. By being treated with a prescription, my illness was no longer a cute, pop culture attempt as opening people's minds to mental illness, it was so much more real. I was within a group of people that was viewed as crazy. Any old suburban soccer mom can see a therapist, but you gotta be pretty bad to be put on something, right?
Okay, no. These fears that I had about being judged were never brought to a reality because I have an amazing and understanding support system. From family to roommates to sorority sisters to friends from high school, no one thought the things that I thought of myself. I know that some people aren't so lucky. I know that some people are told to just not take their medicines and to just "toughen up" by their supposed support systems. Being medicated for a mental illness was one of the toughest things I've had to do. By putting a substance in my body that only might help was brave. I will probably have to go through several prescriptions before I find the one that is just right for me and submitting to the unknowingly and probably long process is BRAVE. What is not brave is trying to do it on your own. Giving yourself every opportunity to be the person you want to be is brave. Getting out of bed when you want nothing more than to stay and cry is brave. Making yourself a priority and allowing yourself to become and active participant in your life is brave. So be brave and do whatever it is you have to do to be happy, anxious or otherwise.
