Alas, it is that time of week again. The time of week I am supposed to submit an article. There’s only one problem with this: I have no idea what to write about this week. Nope, no idea at all. I wish I could ask for help, but I’m in too deep (shout out to the ten people who read this who get the Sum 41 reference). An intelligent woman who goes by the name of Ms. Gresh stresses that I have to write these articles or else I get a “strike." You don’t need to be a baseball fanatic to know that does not sound good. So instead of writing a typical article, I’m going to explore topics I could’ve talked about.

I. Sports

As a former jazz band member, I really have no say or defendable opinion about sports whatsoever. For years I tried to give a shit, but it just never really worked out. I watch every now and again, enough to become a pseudo-commentator. What’s the point of rooting for a team that I’m not on for a sport that I do not play? I will say this, however: Tom Brady is too perfect, and I hate him. Seeing the Giants “pwn” him like the "n00b” he is, twice, was pretty great. He’s also a proud cheater. Cheaters always win, unless they get caught. Even then, they stay billionaires.

II. Harambe

As a self-proclaimed “meme-lord” myself, you’d think I could pull an entirely satirical article out of where the sun doesn’t shine. I actually can’t. Every messed up joke that needs to be made has already been made. There’s no point for me to even try to be honest. This has consumed the internet entirely, and even caused a shutdown of social media accounts for the Cincinnati Zoo. Someone else covered the story; why should I?

III. College/Life Advice

I could offer you some advice on how to survive college or like some memetastic listicle, but I’m kind of a mess myself, to be honest. I could write an article on how to not procrastinate or something like that, but I’m a degenerate procrastinator. It’s actually baffling how great I am at it. They always say (please don’t ask who “they” is because I have no idea either), “Find something you’re great at and make a career out of it!” Well, what if my special talent is procrastination? What then? I guess I’m pretty doomed.

IV. Music

Talking about music would prove that I have no life, and know too much. I hate music. Let’s move on.

V. Politics

The world is getting crazy again. Once 2017 comes around, only a few people will care again. Don’t think so? I don’t really care what you think to be completely honest. I can’t really offer a unique and original opinion. You might ask, "Who are you voting for, Tom?” In my heart I would say Michael Strahan, but I’m just going to respond with, “The blonde annoying one.” Yeah, I’m so edgy–watch out. This election is a wild one and Facebook is not just baby pictures anymore. People get super passionate. It’s wild. Why can’t we all just get along, man?

The point of this article is…actually, I’m not really sure. Oh, wait! The point is: it’s tough to write an article and try to be original in it. What you have to do is not worry and just stick to the formula like I am right now. I usually end these things with insight, or some kind of advice, or whatever. Have a good one!