As a 14 year-old naive little nug, I sat in church and declared Isaiah 6:8 “Here I am, Lord, send me!” I didn’t even know that verse at the time, but as I look back, it’s clear that that is what my heart was doing! It was at this time that I heard our church’s annual Mexico Mission trip was coming up, and I remember looking at my sweet mom, begging to go. It took about 2 years for her to feel comfortable, but I was ready from that day on.

As a 16 year-old, I remember sitting in Biology class. I was challenging myself, at the time, to bring my Bible to school everyday. So there it sat in my class. To the left of me sat an atheist that was quizzing me on my knowledge, attempting to find a flaw in my logic. To the right, sat a girl who preceded to tell me she believed in Greek gods. I remember sitting up straight, completely unshaken, with all the love in my heart and telling them who I worship and what I believe.

I remember my 17 year-old self inviting every person I knew to church with me every week. I remember one day I got over 10 friends to come with me.

This probably sounds somewhat similar to your story. You have moments you look back on in your walk and you’re impressed with yourself. That’s okay, I don’t think this is prideful. Reflection is healthy.

As I have reflected, I have really tried to figure out why my life doesn't look like this anymore. I truly believe that I love Jesus more now than I did as a 14, 16, or 17 year-old. I definitely know more about Him now. But those moments above are so much rarer for me.

After hours of dwelling on this, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have forsaken my childlike faith.

It used to be so easy for me to believe in the Lord. Believe that He would be with me and bless my steps. As an adolescent, He captured my heart and I latched myself onto Him. It was beautiful.

Then I got older. I learned more about society. And I became jaded. I began to notice less and less of the Lord’s miracles. I’m not convinced that this is because the Lord stopped doing miracles. I just stopped seeing them. The classic “it’s not you, it’s me” bit, but with Jesus. I never left my faith, but I shifted my desires from pure trust and admiration, to obedience and determination to follow His will. Obedience and determination are not bad, but without the pure trust of Jesus in my heart, obedience becomes an obligation that is extremely hard to follow. Obedience without trust produces anxiety, low self worth, and hurt.

And that breaks my heart.

I desire to turn back to my first love. I desire to follow Him obediently while also not forgetting to trust His will, His power, and His grace.

So this is my prayer. For me, for you. For all of us trying to walk through this Christian life.

“Lord, let us see your presence. Help us to know you more Jesus. Help us to recognize you, to point you out in a crowd.” I pray we wouldn’t be so consumed with knowledge that we forget to spend some time silently dwelling in your presence. Lord, I beg of you. Bring us back to our First Love. Bring us back to the unfathomable trust of a child. We want to be in love with you. You are our only joy. Thank you for being patient and letting us come back to you on our own.”