Halloween is over, Thanksgiving is over, Black Friday should be done, and Christmas is just around the corner. Needless to say, the holiday pressure is in full swing. Finding the perfect presents, trying (and failing) to stay on a diet midst the holiday meals, waiting in the never ending lines, organizing your winter vacation and, on top of that, making a last ditch effort to pass all of your classes will make for one stressful holiday season. To make it even more stressful, why not throw in a romantic relationship into the mix? Are you spending the holidays together? If so, whose side of the family will be left out? And what gift are you giving them? And I know this isn’t everyone’s problem, but I’m about to graduate, so I also have to figure out my future in the next, oh, month or so.

Sorry to freak you out, but I myself am freaking out (if you couldn’t tell). I have no idea what to do. There are so many decisions to make, whether it’s about what present you need to buy that one person who is really hard to buy for or what your plans will be. I am so indecisive and I am completely terrified of commitment.

You might be thinking a couple things, namely that it’s a bit of a leap to go from indecision to fear of commitment and also, if you know me personally, that hey, I’ve been in a relationship for over 2 years, so how can I say that I’m scared of commitment? You’re right on both counts. But let me tell you a couple stories to try to explain my thoughts.

I have a couple friends who have dated and gotten engaged in the time I have been dating my boyfriend. I have friends who have been dating about the same amount of time and they are talking about engagement and marriage and their future is actually “our” future, not “my” future and “your” future. Look, I know everyone’s relationship is different and I shouldn’t compare and I can take everything at my own pace, but I’m going to be honest. We haven’t even talked about marriage or anything like that. We’re in a long distance relationship and people ask me if I’m going to move to where he is after I graduate and I internally flip out. I can’t handle the thought of committing to a relationship (or anything) enough to move.

Even in everyday life, when not necessarily making life-changing decisions, I have issues. I was driving home from the movies with my brother and we were stuck trying to make a turn. Every time I saw a possible opportunity to turn, I would judge the speed of traffic poorly or wait too long so I couldn’t. My brother was annoyed and kept saying, “Commit!” No joke. We made it home eventually, don’t worry. But he did tell me to commit a few more times after that one and he told my sisters about it once we were home.

So, I’m indecisive because I am always waiting for the right opportunity. Like waiting for the turn, I have to be absolutely sure before making a move. Sometimes, I wait too long or I misjudge. I would much rather wait until it is obviously a good time to move rather than a time that is questionable. This is how I sort of live my life and I have little doubt that I am not alone in my thinking.

I’m not the type of positive, motivational person who tells you to change your mindset and, in the words of Ms. Frizzle, “Take chances, make mistakes,and get messy!” That’s not really my thing. I’m more a “take chances once you’ve carefully calculated all outcomes, make mistakes so you can learn from them, and get messy but don’t forget to clean up” kind of person.

However, I do want to talk about why we fear commitment. Indecision can come from a number of things: apathy, people-pleasing, ambiguity, etc. A fear of commitment basically boils down to two things: instability in the past (parents separating, for example) and the idea of something better. In other words, we’re scared to commit because people have let us down in the past or we think what we have now can be improved.

It’s not wrong to say that choices we make can affect our entire lives. I still think it’s good to exercise a certain amount of caution and sensibility when making decisions. But sometimes, we forget that we will have other choices in life. While we should not make light of decisions that could alter our lives, when we make the decision, we need to stick with it. If we spend all of our time wondering if we made the right choice, we have made the choice to doubt. We have made the choice to visit the land of “If Only” instead of either trying to initiate change, whether that be a change in our attitude or circumstances.

I’m not saying every decision you make will be a good one and you shouldn't admit when you're wrong. I’m not saying it’s easy to commit to something. And I’m definitely not saying there won’t be regrets in life or to stay in a bad situation just because “you committed.” What I am saying, though, is that life is fluid. It changes. We should commit to things because we otherwise live life chained to our own freedom, scared of permanence and meaning. And who knows, maybe what you commit to won’t last “forever,” whatever that means. But in the commitment, you discover what you value.

You’re going to fail. You’re going to make mistakes and life is going to be messy, whether you take chances or not. You may as well have some say in how your life goes. And if you’re scared of taking responsibility for your own life, well, that is a topic for another day.

I'm not ready to commit to marriage or even a career. But I'm ready to commit to turning even before the road is entirely deserted. I'm ready to commit to not staying up until 4 when I have classes the next day. And we'll see about the other things as time goes on.