“Be sure of yourself!”

“Don’t be insecure.”

“Know you’re amazing!”

“It doesn’t matter what other people think!”

“Confidence is key!”

These are many of the phrases we grow up hearing, especially as young girls.

Having confidence is hard enough as it is. It’s difficult to see the world around you and meet people in it that seem to have it all, yet remain sure of yourself.

However, the only thing harder than finding confidence, is demonstrating it. It’s only half the battle to come to the realization that you are an amazing individual who shouldn’t compare yourself to anyone else. The other half is having the courage to express your healthy attitude and face the backlash of others. It doesn’t help when it seems as if a lot of women are trying to tear each other down more so than build each other up.

Sure, everyone tells you to be confident. I mean, how many pre-teen girl books are built around that premise? We grow up being thrown the same phrases over and over again, encouraging us to think highly of ourselves—that the magic formula to success is believing in yourself. But what they don’t tell you is what happens when you finally become as confident as you’re supposed to be. Some of the same people who preach it, don’t like to see you practicing it. Those who you hear say, “Insecurity is so unhealthy, we’ve all got to learn to be confident in ourselves!” are the same people who roll their eyes when you tell everyone that you’re having a great hair day.

To see how predisposed girls are to insecurities, listen to them accepting compliments. “You have great skin,” must be followed by “Ugh, are you kidding me, it must be the lighting because I actually have severe acne that you just can’t see.”

“Wow you must be so smart you aced that test,” also has to be diffused with something like “I bet she graded my test with the wrong answer key, no way I did well, I’m such an idiot.”

And, if you can’t think of an immediate way to put yourself down, you must respond with a compliment reversal. “Um please, it’s nothing compared to your skin you flawless goddess!” Or, “I wish I could be half the genius you are, you should tutor me some time!” Sickening, isn’t it? The easiest answer to all of this is to just say: “Thank you.” There’s no need to insult yourself or lie about someone else just because a nice thing was said about you. However, when you do say “thank you,” you receive a stunned face, waiting for you to degrade yourself; and if you still don’t, they walk away astonished, thinking: “Wow, she’s full of herself.”

Yep, that’s it. As a young woman, confidence is too often mistaken for narcissism.

For whatever reason, I have tried to approach my life with as much self-assurance as possible. Crazy, right? However, I sometimes wonder if I would have been better off cowering down and dismissing the idea that I was worth something. Being confident has granted me a lifetime brand of “cocky.”

Both to my face and behind my back it is stated that I love myself, in the most negative connotation possible. I didn’t understand where it was coming from at first, I always try my best to uplift others, and have never once thought that I was better than anyone. I just happened to not think that I am the worst.

Showing an outfit to friends by saying “You guys, look how cute this outfit is!” Instead of, “Is this totally ugly? Should I exchange it? Does it make me look fat?” is viewed as being abrasive and proud. Posting an Instagram photo of just yourself is an invitation for others to roll their eyes and think to themselves, “Wow, another selfie...she sure does love to post about herself.” Well, yeah, it is my account, what else did you think you were going to see? Even getting ready for an event without a barrage of statements about how you’re unsure about your dress, or without constantly questioning others as to if you look okay, is taken as: “Wow, she must think she looks really good.”

A woman is supposed to blush when a boy tells her she’s beautiful, as if she never realized it until this wise man came to point it out. If you say “I know,” it generally isn’t well-received. It usually grants you a few scoffs and definitely ruins the chance of a second date.

Being assured often gives others a subconscious need to make sure they knock you down a little bit so you don’t get too proud. This usually means you’re subject to a few less kind words and quite a few more mean ones.

I hope to one day see more people looking at a confident human being and aspiring to gain the same kind of self-assurance, instead of viewing them with disdain. I also hope that we realize that every type of human being needs lifting up, there is no maximum level of confidence one can reach. I also wonder when we will reach a time when a confident woman isn’t a threat to anyone around her.

Everyone tells you to be confident, but it seems as if no one expects you to actually do it.