We live in a world where we are taught good vs. evil. We are taught that evil lives under the bed, stalks behind corners, and creeps out of the darkness. Evil steals, kills, and crushes dreams of happiness.
We give evil an appearance: It's dark and brooding with misshapen face and ugly features. We learn that there is always a constant fight between good and evil and that the "bad guys" always tend to lose to those muscular heroes who carry themselves so proudly.
But my evil is the girl that stares back at me in the mirror. My evil is my late-night thoughts of "what ifs" and "not good enoughs." My evil is the self-doubt that freezes my insides and makes my stomach hurt making me sick for days.
I am my own evil. I tell myself that I am not good enough. Not for him, not for my parents, not for school, not for anything. My evil kills me from the inside out making the pain unbearable, causing me to push everyone away because I can't bear to have them see me weak. Because in the good vs. evil culture good always wins, but I find it hard to be my own hero when so much of me hates myself.
This is what it feels like dealing with the everyday struggle of having anxiety. The best way I can describe how anxiety feels is that it’s like constant static noise in the back of my head. Most of the time I can deal with it, but there are those times when the noise becomes so loud, it’s unbearable. It’s at those times when I have panic attacks.
Many people don’t understand panic attacks. They say, “Why don’t you just relax?” The thing about panic attacks is when they happen, I lose all ability to relax. During panic attacks, things as simple as breathing become difficult. When those attacks happen I can’t stop them, I just have to wait them out and collect myself after my body feels like it is OK to relax.
The thing about anxiety is that oftentimes I get anxious about things that seem trivial to most people. People with anxiety usually have certain triggers that make them anxious. These can be a variety of different things. Mine, in particular, are change and feeling like I'm not in control. As trivial as these things are, they can make me so nervous that I shut down completely.
People with anxiety have to know ways to deal with it. If I didn’t know ways of dealing with my anxiety, it would be impossible to live a normal day-to-day life. I know that I need to get good sleep, stay away from a large amount of caffeine, and to set time aside for myself to relax. If I don’t do these things, the consequences can oftentimes be disastrous.
As much as my anxiety does affect my life, I know it does not define me. Every day is a struggle, but I am strong enough to get through it. Most people with anxiety need to know that they are not defined by it. It may be tough and there will be days filled with self-doubt and anxious thoughts, but for every bad day there is a good one.
I have learned that, as hard as anxiety is to deal with, it is only one aspect of who I am. I cannot let it control my life completely. I try to do certain things that push the limits of my anxiety because I will not let it beat me. My comfort zone is nice and it makes me feel safe, but I can’t let those padded walls prevent me from doing amazing things in life.
The evil inside me can’t win. I want to be able to look at that girl in the mirror and greet her with a smile. Each day I learn to love myself more and accept myself for who I am. I want to live my life taking chances and being free. I am my own person. I make my own choices. I have anxiety, but it does not define me.
