I Hated Myself | The Odyssey Online
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

I Hated Myself

And The Moment It All Changed

237
I Hated Myself
Kellen Hanley

I hated myself.

Do you remember the first time you thought you were pretty?

Maybe it was how your eyes caught the light, shining ever so slightly in the sun—golds and a myriad of different colors emerging. Or maybe, your hair was fashioned in just a way that you looked elegant and effortless all at the same time. Or maybe an outfit just made you want to twirl around, puff up your chest, sight straight and get to work. The first time I thought I was pretty, was two weeks ago.

I’ve written on this before—appearance is something I’ve greatly struggled with throughout a majority of my entire life—weight being the primary issue for me. I always thought that if I lost weight, or that if I could just squeeze into the smaller dress, or if I did this or that or anything else, I would be beautiful. But the problem wasn’t with my weight, or my skin or my hair, it was with me—my perception of beauty, specifically.

I was raised in a society where beauty meant thin, tall models, never too tall, but not short, flouting around in barely there outfits, laughing, perfect filters covering them, with Instagram feeds that look as if they were crafted by Annie Lebowitz herself. And I wanted that. I wanted the body that was athletic, but not too athletic, the hair that was curled just so, the perfect smile, the nice laugh, the flawless skin. I wanted to be perfect. And when I didn’t live up to my insane standards, I rejected myself in a way that I would never do to another.

That’s the thing with me—I’ll be the kindest ray of sunshine in your life; I’ll compliment you, and mean it, I’ll laugh with you and mean it, but on the inside? I’m thinking of every. tiny. Minuscule. thing I’m doing wrong or how I could fix it. It’s awful, isn't it? Living life in a shadow you’ve created for yourself. And that’s what I was doing to myself for such an incredibly long time.

But thankfully, God willing, I saw sunshine. It was a Friday afternoon, just after classes, and I was sitting under a tree, enjoying the weather. I was sitting with friends, just soaking it all in. The grass. The trees. The sound of the wind. The slightly cold earth beneath my toes. I wasn’t wearing anything fancy—a tank top, a necklace, some jeans cuffed at the ankle, no shoes, not a lick of makeup on my face.

And I got a notification on my phone—a SnapChat from a friend. And I just turned and the thought came to my head. You look radiant today, Kellen. And I did. I looked content and happy and so at peace with the world. I almost couldn’t believe I had thought that. I felt wrong for thinking that. But you’re heavy, a voice rang in my mind. But you are beautiful.

For so long, I’m sure so many of us, have placed this version of our ideal self on this pedestal—unattainable and impossible to reach, no matter how far we stretch our fingers and stand on our tiptoes to reach them, we can’t. We can come close. But there will always be more. And that drive, while so wonderful in so many other instances of life, can really, really hurt us—or at the least how we perceive ourselves. And this world is so vast. So beautiful. There’s so much to see and do and experience. But we can never truly value any of it, if we aren’t comfortable in our own world, living our own lives.

This wasn’t the be all end all—I am sure I will always struggle a little bit with my appearance, but I’ve bottled that love and joy and put it in a little jar on my internal shelf—so on those days where I feel down or low or sad, I can just take the little jar, and remember the day in the sun where I felt radiant.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Relationships

10 Facts All People In A Large Family Can Confirm During The Holiday Season

The holiday season can be the best and most stressful time of the year, especially when more people are involved.

2227
kids jumping

The holidays are full of lights, sweets, sweaters, and your favorite movies. There's nothing quite like this period from the beginning of December through January. Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Years. The fun of it all.

I don't know about you but with my large Italian family something is always going on during this season. It can be the most wonderful time of the year while also being the most hectic. These are a few things you know if your family is anything like mine during this time.

Keep Reading...Show less
10 things that happen the second Thanksgiving is over
reference.com

To those who celebrate, you just spent an entire day cooking an elaborate meal with all of your favorite foods. You probably ate your body weight in pumpkin pie and mashed potatoes. What happens now? Oh yea, Christmas. It’s time to take out all of the decorations and Christmas themed things that have been sitting in the attic since last year; it’s time to make a reappearance. So, here are 10 things that happen the second Thanksgiving is over.

Keep Reading...Show less
Adulting

18 Things I Want To Do Now That I'm 18

I'm technically an adult, so I'm legally required to live a little, right?

5039
Happy Birthday Cake

For the entirety of my high school career, I was always seen as the goody-two-shoes. I never got in trouble with a teacher, I kept stellar grades, and when I wasn't doing extracurricular activities, I was at home studying. Even when I did go out, it was usually with a bunch of fellow band geeks. The night would end before 11:00 PM and the only controversial activity would be a fight based on who unfairly won a round of Apples-to-Apples when someone else clearly had a better card (I promise I'm not still holding a grudge).

Now that I'm officially an adult, I want to pursue some new things. I want to experience life in a way that I never allowed myself to do prior to entering college. These are the years that I'm supposed to embark on a journey of self-discovery, so what better way to do that than to create a bucket list?

Keep Reading...Show less
Featured

10 Life Lessons from Christmas Classics

The holiday classics that shaped my life

3109
10 Life Lessons from Christmas Classics
Flickr

The holiday season is full of stress, debt, and forced conversation. While we rush through the month of December, it's important to take a step back and enjoy the moments before they're gone. Most families love to watch Christmas movies, but these beloved films provide more than entertainment. Here are 10 life lessons that I've learned from the holiday classics we watch every year.

Keep Reading...Show less
Featured

15 Mind-Bending Riddles

Hopefully they will make you laugh.

202511
 Ilistrated image of the planet and images of questions
StableDiffusion

I've been super busy lately with school work, studying, etc. Besides the fact that I do nothing but AP chemistry and AP economics, I constantly think of stupid questions that are almost impossible to answer. So, maybe you could answer them for me, and if not then we can both wonder what the answers to these 15 questions could be.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments