I've written about my behavioral disorder before, on how I have come to terms with it and accepted it. That does not mean that there are not still times where I absolutely hate my own skin like physically hate it. I look into the mirror sometimes and think to myself how ugly it looks and how I can stop it, but I don't.
There are some days that are great. The picking is at a minimum and my skin for once looks normal. There are other days where my face is red and bloodied as if I just got done running while being pelted at the face with small sharp objects. I try my best to hide it, but there is always one person that asks why my face is so red or why there are all these spots on my arms.
As much as I am aware of my disorder and accept it for what it is, doesn't mean there are days where I hate it and wish I did not have it.
That I could live a normal life instead of sitting in front of a mirror for over an hour, examining, picking each and every pore, sore and scab on my face. Nothing gets to heal, physically or mentally. I am now noticing some scarring from this awful habit I formed as a child.
I wash my face religiously, but nothing seems to stop my wandering fingers and eyes each time I look into the mirror and see the face staring back at me. I may have said before that it does not control me, but in a way, it does. It controls my actions, it controls how I view myself, it controls the lost time I could have used towards something productive. I give it that control because I am stress, or scared, or nervous, or upset.
There have been multiple times where I have wanted to give up and just let myself go wild, but I know I can't. I try my hardest every day to prevent myself from doing it, from committing this dead. It is not east by any means, but like I said before, being aware of it is a start. Knowing when I do it, why I am doing it, and where I normally do it is really the right path of taking back that control.
I admit I am not in control yet, at least not what I would like to think I am in, but that is okay.
Falling flat on your face is okay, because if you can get back up from that, you are on the right path. Just because you are not healed yet, or where you want to be mentally, does not mean it is the end. It is just the beginning, there is still the uphill battle, you'll eventually hit the climax, which is arguably the hardest part, but after that point, it gets better.
Hating yourself at this moment does not mean you will hate yourself forever. Tell yourself that you love you, for your flaws and your perfections. Just knowing that can make the battle that much easier.
