These days, for me, it's gotten to the point where I pick on every little thing about myself. It used to be that I sometimes cared if my hair was messy or if my make up was done well, and maybe sometimes I felt some insecurity over my height or weight, but lately, for whatever reasons, the negative thoughts have really sunk in. I obsess over the weirdest details about myself. Recently I've been known to bag on my jawline, my shoulders, the right side of my face, the knuckles on my fingers, just about everything. You name it, I've critiqued it. I'm a busy person and most of the time, my mind is rushing with thinking about classes, friends, events coming up, my various passions and whatever's new in the world or in my social circle, but when these thoughts are interrupted and I suddenly become aware of how I must look, insecurity lurks in.
I was recently in a play at school and we got some professional photos back from the show. They were great high quality fun photos, and as I was going through them, I thought they were cute and funny...except for the ones of myself. Every time I saw a picture with me in it, I'd glance at the other person in the picture and smile, and then look at myself and just completely rip into myself about the weirdest things: my lipstick color, the length of my eyebrows, the positioning of my clothes, if my legs are equal sizes...EVERYTHING.
I unfortunately spend a good amount of time being sad over things like these, but lately I've been doing my best to take a step back and look deeper. Although I'm not perfect at doing these things for myself, I try to look at things from another perspective. I know that insecurity about the way we look comes from what we assume others think when they look at us. And here I am, looking at each one of my friends and thinking that they all look great. I really have no criticism for anyone else in these pictures. I'm able to accept them for who they are, somehow, and yet I can't do that for myself.
The first thing to realize when you're feeling insecure is that there is no way everyone else is fretting over the way you look as much as you are. You are your own worst critic, which sucks, but it's comforting to know that other people aren't seeing you in the negative ways you often see yourself. It may be hard to believe, but they are most likely seeing the best in you and if they're not, that's a fault of theirs, not yours.
The second most important thing to remember when your self image is faltering is to differentiate between what you can and can't change about yourself. There is no shame in altering your appearance if it makes you happy, and comes from a place of self love and wanting to improve yourself because you like your look and want to be better, not from a place of self hatred, and of course, it must be done in a safe and healthy manner. So wear as much makeup as you want, dress in whatever way makes you most comfortable, dye or cut your hair any way you want without worrying what others will think, and if you can do so without risking your health, set out on a mission to lose or gain a few pounds.
On the other hand, some things about ourselves we really just have to accept. There's no making yourself taller or shorter or altering your bone structure or losing your freckles or dimples or changing the size of your ears-unless of course you want to get into plastic surgery but that's not what this piece is about. These are the kinds of things you have to learn to love or at least tolerate about yourself. No one is perfect, not even the ones who seem perfect, and imperfections are what make you unique. We need diversity in all areas, including appearance, and maybe the tall curly haired girl just isn't the role you're meant to fill in your unique situation. When you look at someone else and think they look so pretty or special, you have to realize that you are just as special and valuable and beautiful, even if you look completely different, even if you don't feel that way; you are just as valuable and your look and who you are contributes something different to the world that is needed and purposeful.
For those times when you do feel insecure about the way you look, my first suggestion is to try and force yourself to love it. Try to see this thing you dislike about yourself as a good thing, as hard as it may be. Chances are, someone out there would love to look the way you do. For one example, I’m really tall and always hated that about myself. I spent way too many years slouching and trying to make myself appear smaller. I was so insecure about towering over people. Recently I had to buy a pair of heels for a play and wanted to get some use out of them, so i forced myself to be brave and wear them out a few times and the strangest thing happened--I loved it. I don’t know why but for some reason, accentuating something you feel insecure about and faking it till you make it really works wonders. It’s like your brain falls for it and starts to really believe you are confident and you start to feel that way.
The last piece of advice I can give is when you feel bad about the way that you look, try and take the focus off of yourself. As cliché as it sounds, there are really much more important things than looks. Focus on doing something good. Give someone else a compliment on how they look. If you can’t think positive thoughts about yourself, try paying some kindness to someone who--who knows--might be feeling the same way, and see how it makes you feel.
Self confidence is a struggle, especially during certain years of your life. It’s never easy and everyone goes through their own issues with it, but it really can get better. You have to learn to love yourself. And though I’m still working on it, I hope we all do one day.
