Unpopular opinion comin’ at ya: I hate cuddling.

There, I said it.

Cuddling is the worst way to show affection ever invented. It is truly terrible. But really, if you say you love cuddling, you’re a dirty liar. Nobody REALLY likes doing it. I refuse to believe it. Now, let me at least explain myself before shit hits the fan.

1. I hate being touched. Don’t touch me. Ever.

Even if you have explicit permission, probably don’t even touch me then. I’m not someone that enjoys being touched or having someone all up in my business. So cuddling is 100% a no go from ya girl.

2. I don’t want to be sweaty.

Why do you want this? Why do you want to throw your sweaty body up against another sweaty body for an extended period of time? I don’t want to be sweat. Stay away. Far, far away. Honestly, don’t even breathe in my direction.

3. This is not comfortable for anyone.

You’re absolutely lying to yourself and your partner if you tell them you enjoy lying in one position all pressed up against each other. What do I do with my arm? Why are you breathing all over my neck? Oh, your arm is asleep? I’m sorry, let me just wiggle a little until you have more range of motion. 10-out-of-10 not worth. Would not recommend.

4. One of us is going to fall asleep and it won’t be me.

You know why? I am uncomfortable. I’m annoyed. I’m sweating through my shirt and now it’s sticking to me. What do you know! Now I have a leg crushing my stomach and an arm constricting my neck. Cease and desist at once, kind sir.

5. Attempting to cuddle all night is not only filthy, it’s incredibly unrealistic.

No offense, my dude, but I need to stretch my legs. I need to toss and turn and do all the things with my limbs and you need to stay as far from me as possible. The only people that attempt to cuddle all night are those weird people that need to be up their partner’s butt all day. Or teenagers sleeping with another person for the first time. Noobs.

6. Cuddling after sexual activity… I just... NO.

I don’t want to bare my soul to you. I don’t want to lie my head on your sweaty chest. I just want to put all the clothes on and like, go to sleep. Bye.

7. You’re basically going to inhale all of my hair.

Are you sure you want to play this game?

8. I am my own heat source.

Seriously, I’m the human equivalent of a space heater. Unless you’re the North Pole, don’t even try. We will both suffer, and I’m not a fan of suffering.

9. That super awkward moment when one of you loves it and the other hates it.

Like, I love you, so I’ll do this, but I am extremely uncomfortable. I really want to move, but I don’t want you to be bummed out. Why did we do this in the first place? Now I’m an awkward taco.

10. Feet are disgusting.

And there is like 99.9% chance they’re going to touch me. I hate them. I can’t say this enough. Every time a stray foot touches mine, I cringe so hard. My entire body jerks away and I feel like a scrunched up old woman. Get that shit AWAY from me.

I don’t understand everyone that thinks this is enjoyable. Not to be dramatic, but I’d literally rather set myself on fire than cuddle with you. Unless you’re my dog, and then cuddling is the best.