J.K. Rowling is a genius. Whether you’d like to admit it or not, the Harry Potter franchise has rocketed itself into one of the top highest grossing series ever with over $7.7 BILLION FRIGGIN’ DOLLARS made. With the release of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, and Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them coming to theaters, that number will only grow. People’s nerdgasms for HP has been rekindled from this news, bringing back the excitement the original series once bought us.
People who grew up with Harry and his adventures now get the chance to go on one final quest with him and the gang, and explore the wizarding world that much further. The last Harry Potter book came out in 2007, almost 10 years ago. Now, as we take a final journey with him, an opportunity for newer and younger generations to discover the magic can begin!
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The Cursed Child was written by another author and in a George Lucas sort of way, approved by J.K. Rowling to exist as canon within the HP universe. So that got me thinking, what if Harry Potter fan fictions began to take off? What if I were to write about Harry Potter, you know, with my own little twist on the story. What if Harry Potter was a muggle, your average joe. No Hogwarts, no magic, no “He Who Must Not Be Named”. Just a boy dealing with the truths and trials of everyday life, like a Judy Blume novel.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Harry Potter and the Milestones of life:
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stoner
Here, we meet a college freshman named Harry Potter. Wanting to fit in with his fellow peers, he’s pressured by a boy named Ron to partake in some "Mary-Jane". This particular strand is called “The Sorcerer”. Harry takes one hit, and his adventurous trip begins.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fireball
Today is Harry’s 21st birthday! His friends take him to the local bar where their specialty shot is called the Goblet of Fire: A shot of Fireball Whiskey served in a miniature goblet and the rim is set on fire. Harry doesn’t remember much of that night and is forced to retrace his steps.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Sandwich
Harry wakes up the day after his 21st birthday after blacking out. He tries to piece the night together while powering through a monstrous hangover. Looking down, he finds a receipt from the local late-night sandwich shop, where he ordered a Phoenix Sandwich: Chicken tenders, mozzarella sticks, and French fries, on a long roll with buffalo sauce.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Being Categorized as a Millennial
As many prior generations have complained about the youth, we find Harry, who is a little bit older now, falling victim to such outcry. Looking for his first real job after graduating college, he’s carrying the weight of 2 internships with no pay, trying to gain experience. However, when faced with an interview, he is constantly told he "needs more experience and just wants everything handed to him".
Harry Potter and the Deathly Swallows
We find our mid-twenties Harry struggling to make ends meet. Scrolling through his social media page he finds out about a hot dog eating contest with a $5,000 prize for the winner! In the midst of the competition, he bites off more than he can chew and begins to choke.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Commerce
Now rounding out his 20's, Harry finally lands a job working at the local Chamber of Commerce supporting other businesses.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blooded Boner
We meet a much older Harry, now in his late 40s. He celebrates his 20th year working at the Chamber of Commerce and is a very valued employee. He has a wife and two kids. Everything in his life is finally going great… or so we thought. Unable to perform, Harry must face one last trial in life…. Erectile dysfunction.
So there we have my fan-fictions of Harry Potter. Would you buy a copy? I would love to hear your comments below!
