It's finally here. The new story in the Harry Potter canon that actually features the imagination of JK Rowling. There's no way this play feels like cheap fan fiction and a mere cash grab from this talented and imaginative writer, right?

Right?

Nope. It's just that, and that doesn't even cover everything I have to say about this play, this story.

Focusing on Harry's middle child, Albus, and Draco Malfoy's only child, Scorpius, the play follows the adventures of these two friends as they are outcasts in the society of Hogwarts. Albus trying to live up to his father's reputation, and Scorpius dealing with very distasteful rumors about him and his family. It's not as good as it sounds.

I think it's better to start at the very beginning, and I don't mean the beginning of the story, but the very beginning, in the front and back covers. The illustrators want to fool you into believing that this is Rowling's work, but it's not; she's one of the three people who crafted the overall story, while a guy called Jack Thorne wrote the script, and he's one of the main problems.

I think Mr. Thorne has never, ever spoken with a child before, because the dialogue he writes for the main child characters is so superbly unnatural and forced, I was actually frowning as I was reading. Rowling's signature banter between friends is ruined with Thorne's lack of understanding of language. And that's only the dialogue.

The back cover of the book states, "The eighth story. Nineteen years later," which is both misleading and wrong. First, Harry is not the main character, although he does have a lot of importance to the plot. Second, the story is not set nineteen years later, right where the last epilogue left us; it merely starts there, but most of the story is when Albus is 14, so twenty two years later.

But those critiques sound like nitpicks, so I'm gonna give you the real deal. The most basic problem with this story is that it feels like bad fan fiction, for many reasons. The main reason I could analyze was the lack of innovation, both in the characters and in the world. Rowling's Wizarding World is so rich with creatures and magic, it's puzzling how this play limits itself so much to the most basic concepts and the most familiar characters, exclusively.

Without spoiling anything, the story revolves around the two friends trying to fit in. In their attempts, they do something extremely stupid and end up in an adventure. First of all, there's no way I can imagine everything they do in the story portrayed correctly in a stage, no matter the budget; maybe I'm wrong, maybe I should watch them do it. Second, the whole reasoning for them going in this adventure is so stupid, so inferior to the real intelligence of a teenager – especially a "Hermione-level smart" one like Scorpius.

Second, the first scenes of the play gave me such a false hope that the play would limit itself to character exploration. Doesn't that sound great? A play about the middle child of the most famous wizard alive trying to live up to society's expectations? And his best friend is the subject of the worst rumor imaginable? That sounds fascinating to me, and a million times more fitting for theater.

Instead, we get an intercut adventure between the two friends and their parents who are trying to rescue them. Not only the results of their adventure make no sense, but everything they go through in between f*ck-ups is so poorly thought out. I really can't explain myself without going into spoilers, so just take my word for it.

Thorne also got some of the characters very wrong, and even breaks continuity with Pottermore in some cases. For example, Ron is not Ron, but a middle-aged, dumb and lame version of the Ron we know and love; his role is purely that of the "Uncle who tells stupid jokes," instead of actually doing something.

McGonagall is the Headmistress of Hogwarts, for some reason. Not only did I read in Pottermore that she retired after Harry's first child was born, but she must be like 100 years old by now. If not retired, she should be dead.

The villain of the story is literally the most pathetic plot twist I could think of, which makes the whole story feel even more like fan fiction. There's just an incredible lack of imagination in everything, I'm really surprised Jo Rowling herself formed part of this play.

If there's one character that the play got right is Malfoy. He has the only good arc in the story, and his dialogue and actions really reflect his character from the books and films. Harry isn't too bad either, but not the best. Ginny is barely in it, and serves only as the audience's voice to Harry, though not too often.

Remember in the epilogue to Deathly Hallows when we read/see that Ron and Hermione have two children, Rose and Hugo? And that Harry and Ginny have three, James, Albus and Lily? Well, Rose plays a minor role at the beginning and then completely disappears, so does James, I think Lily doesn't have one line of dialogue, and Hugo is not even mentioned by anybody, ever.

I really don't know what happened with this play. I just see hundreds of missed opportunities to do something great and very different from the usual. Instead, we get a poorly-written, unbelievable play that doesn't dwell enough into the world for us to take it seriously.

If I had to give this a rating, it'd be a 4/10, with a minuscule part of the cast and the good pacing saving it from a 1/10.

Stay tuned for next week, as I plan to write a full-on critique of this play, full of spoilers and real explanations of what I find stupid and nonsensical.

Peace out.