There was a time (we’ll call it the good ole days) when you could just dump your “loved” ones off at a nursing home and the burden of interaction was off of your shoulders. There was a time when the strain of hitting your grandparents detracted from so much of your day it became necessary to hire other people to put out cigarettes on Pop-pop’s arm. Of course that wasn’t enough for those translucent bastards (talk about ungrateful); in 2386 a revolution, led by Ernest Nessbaum, swept across the nation. In nursing homes old people went on strike, refusing to do stupid shit of our entertainment until we would go visit them every now and again. For years the negotiations went on, we demanded better air fresheners and frequent showers; they demanded “human rights”. As if. Finally in 2856 Ernest Nessbaum and President Kanye West the 53rd came to an agreement on October 27th and the holiday was born.

Today is the day you go to the nursing home you left your old people in. If you are smart you and your partner have put them in the same dingy little nursing home with filth on the walls and urine stains on the floor. It might remind you of your first apartment; when we are young as when we are old, we make some gnarly messes. For today, from the beginning of visiting hours to the final ball in family bingo, the nursing home is going to be packed with happy families. There will be food carts selling churrios and funnel cakes and vegan bacon. The best nursing homes have memorabilia so you can remember the highlights of the year. Last year you got a commemorative sweater of Mrs. Johnsonton throwing up at one of the cafe tables; the sweater really captures the colors that were in there. You weren’t there but you had heard from one of the husbands there.

It is a man’s responsibility to talk to the other husbands about how much their mothers impacted their lives, how she was really the backbone, how dad wasn’t anything compared to her. When everyone is out of earshot men will steer the conversation toward some of the grossest things they’ve seen on this day. You’ll tell this one guy with a big ass fivehead that two years ago Mr. Leonardinidi dropped his C-Bag and the nurse from the Caribbean neither of you can remember the name of slipped in it. She landed face first, licked her lips, and walked to the bathroom. It was almost as gross as the time Mr. Rossenbergsteintala farted in the smaller rec room, the cone head will tell you.

If you are a woman it is your responsibility to pretend you are pregnant, geriatrics love babies for whatever reason; you think perhaps they think they can suck the life force out of them. You’ve never seen it. If you do have a newborn baby it is imperative that you DO NOT bring them with you. Old people can drain babies life forces. You’ve seen it. Why do you think we stuff them all in here?

This is a magic day. There will be low speed wheelchair rides, confuse the grandma (the person who can convince their loved one they are a different person the longest gets a five dollar gift card to Jared’s Galleria [no relation]), guess how many farts, and don’t wake grandpa where you see how hard you can poke grandpa in the ribs with a poking stick before his ass wakes up. So hallowed are the traditions of this day that even the nurses will hold off on back handing your father when he refuses to poop in a timely manner. That one nurse your mother said killed Mrs. Jeffersyryson last year by choking her to death with her bare hands because she didn’t say thank you when the nurse scrubbed her ass really good will have a tear in her eye as she watches all the happy families meandering about. She might even tell you how much she loves your mother and how fun she is during the weekly shuffleboard tournament. To make up for betraying her own tortured past she will beat your mother extra hard tomorrow while crying. You will be ok with this, it will teach your mother character.

You heard Mrs. McDouboriousilinniolia had hip surgery last week, there is no way that clumsy bitch isn’t falling down. That is gonna make a killer coffee mug.

Happy VIsit Your Old People at the Nursing Home You Dumped them at Day!