To my dear ex-boyfriend,

There's so many things I wish I could say to you, but unfortunately you blocked me, so I can't. I want you to know that I wish you the best in 2017. I hope you achieve all your goals and have the best year possible - and maybe just a few other things...

I hope you buy yourself a brand new pair of expensive jeans and they rip right down the middle the first time you wear them.

On the same day, I hope you spill hot coffee all over your favorite shirt. And I hope your favorite hat blows off your head and you can't find it.

I hope you get called into work on all of your days off, and you have no choice but to go in.

I hope you drop and crack the screen on your phone, pay to get it fixed, and then drop and crack it again the next day.

I hope all the fish you catch this year are small and worthless, and you miss every single deer you try to shoot.

I hope they offer you a promotion at work, and then decide to give it to someone else.

I hope you bite into a slice of pizza only to find a roach hidden under the cheese.

I hope all of your packages get delivered to the wrong address.

I hope you get a speeding ticket for going one mile over the speed limit.

I hope any facial hair you try to grow is patchy and weird.

I hope you burn every piece of toast you attempt to make.

I hope you gain 30 pounds and can't lose it, no matter how hard you try.

I hope you finally get that pit bull puppy you want, and it runs away from you.

I hope they get your order wrong every time you go get food.

I hope your engine stalls in the middle of five o'clock traffic.

I hope the only people that hit on you this year are 65-year-old grandmas.

Most importantly, I hope you get a brand new, gorgeous girlfriend, and then she breaks up with you over text, blocks you on everything, never talks to you again, and ultimately breaks your heart...

Just like you did mine.