It's been seven birthdays without you now.
Life has passed by so quickly. A lot has happened since you left us, and I can't wait to fill you in some day. I can't remember the last birthday that you were here with us. I'm sorry.
In fact, I can't remember much. I know that you had some issues you were dealing with, and that's why you're gone now. I remember how much you loved to tease me, the weird color of your mustache, and how you always smelled like Basics. I wish I could remember more, but it's been so long. It's been years since I've last heard your voice. I'm sorry I forgot.
Though I have certain memories I'll forever cherish, I wish there were more. They play like a broken record in my memory, over and over until I phase it out. Sometimes I just don't like to think about it. Sometimes that's all I think about.
Please know I don't hold any resentment towards you. I understand that you thought your course of action was the best decision at the time. I hope you understand that wasn't the case. Your absence in my life has been a huge chapter in my life. It's shaped me into a better, more understanding human being. I care deeply, love deeply, and never take time or family for granted. I understand that life is short and everything can be gone in an instant. I appreciate these characteristics. I love them.
On your birthday, I hope that you're looking at me from wherever you are; smiling and nodding your head. You'll look at me in an "Oh, Leah" type of way, and think that I'm being silly for missing you so much. That's how I picture it in my head, at least. It gives me some sort of comfort.
I don't know that happens after we die; if anything. Like anyone else, I hope that there is eternal comfort with my family and friends. I do hope that one day we meet again. I know that in a universe so complex, you're bound to be out there somewhere. As an angel, as a burst of energy, or as a cool breeze on a summer day; I love you all the same.
Thank you.
Thank you for being a huge part of who I am, even if it is in a different way than most parents.
I hope that my hard work is making you proud, I think it would. I'm trying my best in life, and sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. I'm often discouraged or too hard on myself. I think you'd be sad to see that if you were around. Or again, that's how I picture it in my head.
I don't have much else to say. I miss you terribly, but mom has been a huge impact in my life. She's shaped me into a wonderful woman. I think you'd be proud.
I love you and happy birthday, wherever you are.
Leah
