Having tough conversations is never easy. Whether you’re trying to disclose serious information, breaking bad news, or arguing with a loved one, it can feel impossible to find the right way to make difficult statements. However, hard conversations can be made even harder if the people involved are careless about the way in which they communicate. Refusing to see things from other people’s perspectives, using careless language, or dismissing others’ concerns can all cause a simple discussion to escalate into something much more difficult to resolve. Although the dynamics of a conversation are strongly dependent upon the individual and the situation, here are some general tips that may help you work your way through those tough but necessary talks.
1. Think about your intentions.
At the start of any serious conversation, take a moment to step back and ask yourself what you want the outcome of the discussion to be. Then consider how you can get there. Don’t just think about what you personally hope to obtain from the discourse, but what you want to accomplish overall.
Do you want to understand the other person’s perspective? If so, consider asking questions and listening carefully, even if they don’t say what you want to hear.
Do you want the other person to see things from your point of view? Articulate that clearly, and try to explain your ideas in such a way that you think would make sense to someone who may not have the same opinions or experiences that you do.
Do you just want emotional or moral support? Say so. It’s human nature to try to solve problems, so if you want comfort rather than an explanation, make sure that everyone involved is on the same page.
Finally, if the only intention you have is to start an argument, think carefully about whether it’s necessary. If you think that the outcome could be productive in breaking through some kind of communicative barrier that you’ve been experiencing, then maybe it would be worthwhile. Otherwise, consider letting yourself cool off and broach the subject when you’re feeling a bit more level-headed.
2. Recognize that intention may be different than impact.
When you speak, realize that your words may not be interpreted the way you mean them to. Try to be patient and empathetic. Do your best to avoid any misunderstandings by really thinking before you speak about how your words might impact someone else. Maybe a certain topic may seem like no big deal to you, but it’s a sore spot for the person to whom you’re speaking. Maybe they are having a bad day and are feeling especially sensitive.
Try not to take offense if your words are misinterpreted. Usually, this problem can be resolved by simply apologizing for the confusion and clarifying your intentions. And if someone understands exactly what you meant but simply doesn’t like it, resist the urge to dismiss that opinion outright. It’s entirely possible that you are in the right, but remember to look at things from their point of view. Ask yourself what might lead them to respond in such a way. Be honest about your feelings and perspectives, but respect those who are unable to see eye to eye with you, as well.
3. Be willing to own responsibility.
Even if you’re the most thoughtful and articulate person out there, you will still mess up and put your foot in your mouth sometimes. After all, you’re only human. If you realize that you have said something insensitive or hurtful, acknowledge your mistake and apologize for it. It may be tempting to dodge the issue— to justify your words or to shift the blame— but much of the time problems like this can be resolved if you are simply willing to take accountability for your words and commit to not repeating the offense.
Similarly, if someone brings it to your attention that you have hurt them, be willing to accept culpability even if it was not your intention to do harm. This idea goes back to the concept of intention versus impact. You may not have meant to hurt someone with your words, but if that was the effect, then it isn’t fair to diminish their pain simply because you didn’t mean to cause it.
The opposite is also true— be willing to stand up for yourself. If someone says something to you that is hurtful or outright offensive, express yourself and stand your ground, even if it would be easier to back down. When it comes to personal relationships, at least, the best way to ensure that a problem doesn’t become recurrent is to address it clearly and firmly from the start. Don’t let someone try to tell you that your feelings are invalid. Don’t let them get away with excuses or half-apologies. Being willing to forgive is essential to progress, but so is demanding the treatment that you deserve.
Bonus: Do your best to talk in person.
I realize that this suggestion may be impossible in certain circumstances, but personal communication is almost always more effective when it occurs in person. Even for people who are very clear and well-spoken, it is easy for things to be lost in translation when you’re trying to conduct a serious conversation via text message. Statements and attitudes can be misinterpreted, blown out of proportion, or simply ignored. Talking in person or over the phone may feel harder to do, but in the long run you’re a lot more likely to reach a mutually acceptable conclusion.
The reality of having serious conversations is that there's no way to guarantee that they will go smoothly. However, by doing your best to stay patient and considerate under pressure, you can maximize your chances of ending a tough conversation feeling like you've accomplished something good.
