There tends to be a certain stigma that stains society's perception of what mental illness is. For example, generally, when we think, 'addict' we think dark alleys, Requiem For A Dream, and hard drugs. Though this is often the case, it's not safe to assume this is the narrative for every addict out there, just as it is not safe to assume that every person with generalized anxiety disorder has the same sort of trigger. Stereotyping any sort of disease only hurts those already afflicted by it and those unaware and uneducated of the illness itself, its symptomatology, and how to help a suffering loved one. As part of my own personal goal to gain a small army encourage others to give a big F*** YOU to society's hegemonic views on invisible disabilities remove the stigma on mental illness, I am going to use my privilege of writing for the Odyssey and my ability to share my own experiences to at least begin a conversation on what we as a generation can do to mitigate the derogatory shadow that clouds unseen disabilities.
I was raised in a two-parent household with myself being the oldest sibling in the house. Both of my parents are 100 percent disabled military veterans. (Thank a soldier today!) This being said, both of them had at least one physical disability that qualified them to, simply put, be paid for the service they did for our country since their ailments gained in service would get in the way of working ordinary, everyday jobs. We always went to church. We always watched Fox News. And we never, ever questioned how many pills dad was chugging that day.
I was 19 when I finally confronted my father about his addiction. For 18 years, I swallowed his secret as easily as he swallowed his Oxy, but everyone has a breaking point. For me, it was during winter break over a bowl of spaghetti. I begged him, through snot and tears and hyperventilation, to check into rehab and get help for himself and those around him. With glassy eyes and bread crumbs in his beard, he laughed at my face.
In any like circumstance, this would be infuriating. And it was. I'm working hard to make sure it doesn't stick with me like Ma's crescent rolls to his Duck Dynasty beard. And why? Yes, It would be easy to be angry. It would be easy to cut the connection and walk away; but, why would I leave a person who has checked out for months, or in my case, years, when they are nothing but a prescription puppet going through the motions of life? Rather, I realized that I needed to respond in a positive way, not react in a negative way, to the conversation I was not ready for but willing to have. In a way, I hope my writing can help prepare others who are wanting an intervention for someone they truly care about, after watching them deteriorate for years at their own hand.
My father is not fully to blame for his addiction. The picture I painted of him above is not the man who would build the same-named snowman annually with my sister and me. The man who laughed at my face over winter break is not the man who would rub the lotion together so it wasn't cold on my toddler body, or be the MoJo JoJo to my Blossom. Addiction is a serious illness that tears families apart and destroys human beings from the inside out. Addiction changed my dad into a stranger before my eyes, and although I wanted to be f***ing pissed and feel betrayed upset, I knew I had to be the coherent adult in this situation.
The stigma on addiction says that all addicts are only looking for a fix. They don't think they have a problem. They don't think they need to stop. The problem is, they literally cannot stop. At least, not as quickly and efficiently as you'd want them to. Their body has become dependent on whatever drug is their vice and cold-turkey quitting for many addicts is just a death sentence. However, with endless support and authentic encouragement, addiction is not impossible to overcome.
I wish I could write how to be there for a recovering addict during their rehab, but unfortunately, I can't, because I haven't been there yet. I haven't given up on my dad, because I know he's still in there underneath the numb barrier he has created over the years with help from ignorant doctors, so I can write how to approach an addict and how to handle yourself around them.
Addicts are notorious for glassy eyes and unresponsiveness. Whether it be hard drugs, drinking, prescribed medication, or anything really, the person's addiction will soon enough take the place of the actual vessel. The addiction becomes almost its own sort of being, forcing the addict to make irrational decisions just to get the next buzz. This is why, and I have to say this is the most important thing I have learned, you cannot take what the addict says or does personally. They are not speaking to you, the addiction and embarrassment (because don't think they are unaware of the pain they are causing others) are propelling the addict to be in defense mode. Anything you say will be shot down, whether or not the claims actually justify the means. Addiction makes people selfish, and the only way to combat selfishness is with selflessness. Be there for the addict. Be the indestructible force that is willing to hold them accountable for their actions. But most importantly, make sure to take care of you.
If you take anything from this article, let it be the following:
-Relapses happen.
-You are not to blame for the addiction or the addict's choices, even if they promise that you are. Addicts are numbing the hurt of another experience - this is their escape.
-Remember to be conscious of the state of your own mental health. Conversing with an addict can be hard, especially when they go for the low blows because, like I said before, this is how they keep themselves safe. It's simply a symptom of addiction. Take the time you need to ground yourself before you try to help anyone else. We can choose to be well without those around us choosing to well with us.
-Addicts are not bad people. They are products of a different situation, a different circumstance, and a different life. They are truly unique people gifted to this world, much like my dad, but they will silently struggle as long as you will let them get away with it.
Addictions are often not filed under 'mental illness' but that in no way changes the fact that it is a disease, these people are hurting, if not physically, and rather than see them as inferior (as society often does with those struggling with a mental disorder) we need to be the helping hand that gets them back on their feet. Make sure to check in next week for the next Mental Illness Awareness topic.
