To The Other Half Of My Heart In Heaven,

I never thought I would have to say that. If you told me 10 years ago that this is how my life would have been, I never would have believed you. My best friend, my rock, my life line, my heart beat & my Mother, gone. Unexpected and suddenly just like that, in a blink of an eye you were just gone and there was nothing I could do to stop it or bring you back. Within seconds my whole life was ripped from underneath me. The pain, oh the pain I felt. The heaviness in my chest, the pain in my heart & the darkness I felt in my soul.

How was I suppose to continue my life without the most important person in my life? We had so many plans together. So many unfinished stories and dreams. I was just 20 years old & motherless. You were only 45 years old, you weren't even sick! How could this have happened?! How could this be real life?! I wanted so badly just to wake up and it all be a nightmare. I tried so hard for so long to stay strong for everyone else around me but that only tore me apart more.

My life was spinning downward so fast that I couldn't even grasp it. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know where to go, I didn't know how to think or how to go about a normal day without you. I cried myself to sleep every night and I woke up every morning praying when I walked up those steps you would be at the table drinking your coffee before work. Yet every morning was another slap in the face of reality. I became so depressed, so lost and so confused but most of all I was so angry. I was so angry at the world, at you and at God. It took me so many break downs, so many tears, so many fights so many errors and 3 long years to finally grasp my life.

I went to therapist after therapist. I went to doctor after doctor to be medicated because I didn't think I could go on with my life any other way. I won't sit here and say that it didn't help me because that would be a lie. I would call out of work so much because my depression wouldn't let me get out of bed. I would bury myself in my bed and never come out. I barely spoke to my friends and I barely wanted to be around anyone. I didn't even want to be around myself. I felt like a failure, as if I failed you. I let my emotions win for way too long. I went months on medication until one morning I just woke up. I woke up and said, "I can't live like this anymore." I knew I needed to change and if I couldn't change for myself, I had to change for you, Mom.

I decided to change my entire life around for the better. I made the choice to go for the weight loss surgery. I knew how proud you would have been! The next 8 months consisted of hard work and dedication. Doctor after doctor, specialist after specialist. I went to support groups every single week. I began to write again, I began to feel good again and I began to smile again. Oh, I can't explain how good it felt to actually smile again, Ma! I felt you around me, I felt you pushing me every step of the way. When I would get down and out I would hear your voice telling me to push harder and keep fighting. That's exactly what I did, I fought. I fought every single day to become a better person than I was the day before. All for you, all because of you.

All I wanted was to make you happy and for you to be proud of me. That's all I ever wanted in life! After everything I went through, all the emotions, breakdowns, tears and fights, I made it Ma! I fought to be the person I knew you would want me to be and I continue to try and make you proud with every day that passes. I would do absolutely anything to have you here with me but, I know I can't have that. I'm not mad anymore mom, it's okay. I understand you fought as hard as you possibly could that morning. I understand you couldn't do it anymore, I understand your life here on Earth was over and that you needed to go back home to God and Papa. I'm not mad at God anymore either, I'm so thankful for him showing me love and reassuring me that I would be okay. I'm okay mom, because of you and God I am okay.

You taught me everything I would ever need to know in this crazy thing called life. Your entire life was based on making my brother and I happy. You worked your butt off every single day for so many years just to make sure we were happy and that we didn't have to need or want for anything. After all, you taught me since the day I was born, I knew eventually I would have to teach myself things as well. I guess I just wasn't ready to teach myself how to live without you. I don't think I would have ever been ready for that.

Thank you for being the absolute best mother a girl could have ever had. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for always putting me first, even when it meant you not being happy. Thank you for all the memories that I have to last a lifetime. Thank you for loving me so deeply and so hard.

Just promise me you will continue to push me. Promise me you will continue to let your love grow and shine threw my heart and soul. Promise me to continue to be by my side through all the good and all the bad. Promise me to continue to watch over me, guide me and protect me as you always have. When I have children of my own and a family of my own, please protect, watch and love them just as much as you would have if you were still here. Promise me to never let me go because I can never let you go, Mommy.

Until we meet again, promise me you will continue to fly high and travel the world as you always wanted. Save me a spot up there Ma, until I see you again! xoxo

Forever,

Your little peanut.