Dear "Dad" (that's what we'll call you),

Where have you been? I haven't seen you in awhile. But that's not really an unusual circumstance between us, is it? I usually go years without seeing you, sometimes even talking to you. I really can't even remember the last time I heard your voice. Oh wait, yes I can. It was the day you left that nasty voicemail on my phone... But we won't talk about that right now. I hope that the last 20 years of your life have been alright. The last twenty years for me have been pretty crazy, you know, since the day I was born and all.

But enough of the witty sarcasm, time for the real stuff...

I only remember it a little bit, the day I went to see you, the first time I could actually remember (that's minus the times I may have seen you before the age of two). I think I was seven or eight, maybe, but I could be wrong. Either way, I remember being so mad at my mom. She said to me, "This is your dad", and I was thinking to myself, "What do you mean my DAD?"

And ever since then I've been dealing with the fact that you are my dad, and you have never actually been my "dad". The man who raised me, the other California man, HE was my dad. But he's moved on from me now, so I guess he was never my dad either (but that story is a whole different Dear Dad letter).

I also remember those two Christmas holidays I came to visit you. I left Texas on Christmas day and flew to Kansas to be with you and your family... Well, my family, or I guess, our family. The first time was great. I was so excited to be with you and see everyone and just be apart of your life... for a little bit at least. That was when you were with Betty- I thought it was so cool to have a step mom. She bought me lots of arts and crafts and we hung out and you were so nice to me, it was just so great. The next time I came to see you was not as great. I had an asthma attack because of all the smoke, you made me go to bed and not even watch the New Year's ball drop, and the whole experience just sucked. That was the last Christmas we spent together.

My favorite times were at Grandma and Grandpa's place. She was so sweet to me and she just loved me so much, even though I didn't even really know her! I remember singing and stuff with Grandpa. His voicemail used to be him singing. "I'm sorry that we couldn't get to the phone..." I don't remember the rest. But I always sang the song. I'm glad that we got to share those memories. Because I never got to say goodbye to him before he passed away. Thank you for calling me and letting me know, by the way. It was nice to hear from you. Oh wait, you didn't. I had to find out from my mom... You couldn't even call me to tell my my Grandfather died? You couldn't even do that?

There are so many other things you couldn't do. You couldn't come to any of my choir performances, see any of my solos. You couldn't be at any of my basketball games. You couldn't be there when I told Mom that I was gay. I always wonder if you would have helped soften the blow of that. I always wonder if Mom and I would have a better relationship if you would have been there at all.

But, you could be there for my high school graduation and just that alone was so amazing to me. I had tried to kill myself about 25 days before graduation, and it was so nice to have my mom and my dad there supporting me, loving me, together. It was so nice to feel so much love after having just felt like no one loved me at all. I should have been mad though. Why did you deserve to be there when I graduated high school after not being there at all? Why should I have even been excited to see you? None of that mattered though, because inside, I was still a little girl with daddy issue, and my dad was there, in the flesh. I couldn't help but enjoy it! I was so stupid for that...

After graduation, I didn't really hear from you much. Then you left that nasty voicemail (the one we aren't going to talk about). So many things over the last two years that just broke my heart. After seeing you, and falling in love with the idea of you being around more, you just broke my heart. Again.

But all of that is okay. It is just fine. I wouldn't be the same beautiful, strong, phenomenal woman that I am today if you would have been in my life. I wouldn't have the amazing, annoying little sister I have now. I probably wouldn't have even met the love of my life if you had been around. I'm not saying life was so much more amazing because you weren't there, I'm just saying that things would be so different if you had been. So I'm sorry, that you missed out, but, in a way, I'm thankful that you did.

Even after all of that story telling, I'll always love you. And I'll always secretly wish that you were around more when I was younger. After all that story telling, I still wouldn't mind having a relationship with you. You're the other half of me, half the reason I even exist. We should know more about each other.

I know now that I didn't need you, and I still don't. I grew up surrounded by incredible female figures- single and married. I have a lineup of Wonder Women in my corner, who don't need any men at all. I know how to survive and be happy without you in my life. But I would love it if I could be happy with you in my life. I would love for us to be family.

Life is too short for me to hate you. It's caused me too much pain and sadness to hate you. So I'm done. I'm done hating you. And in fact, I forgive you. I forgive you for all the times you broke my, all the times you made me cry, and all the times you just weren't there. Even if we never speak again for the rest of my life... But I hope that we will.

Your daughter,

Alexis.