I had just got paid ,

an on my way home i had went to a restaurant to get something to eat

i step up to the counter my paycheck in ‘My Pocket’ as i step i line

‘My paycheck’ in my pocket

when I am called to order ,

I P.A.U.S.E …..

I A.D.J.U.S.T my Mask. Skin raw from overuse

Look Up i look up at the woman

I…...i smile and say i would like a number five

and in a moment of weakness

in a moment of strength

i say in a voice smaller my own

and a frosty

AND AH FROSTY

it was as if, As if

i slapped her Grandmother in the face

the look she gifted me when i had spoken

a face dipped in disgust, peppered with loathing

a glance, a flick of the eyes

snapped the fragile string holding together the pieces of me i had

just learned to love

learned to love ‘

learned to, love to learn how to love the pieces of me

the pieces that now lay scattered and broken on the floor. blood that seeps from wounds long since healed

ha hu ha

how could she know that i hadn't eaten in the past three days

how could she have known that that i pull a knife along my skin just to feel.

to feel something.

how could she have known that all i want to do is take that knife , that blade, that key and carve , and cut

and shape myself into the “right” size ,into the “right” shape to fit in

fit in

i've never fit in weather it be friends \

with clothes. with rides.

i've never fit in and i never will

how could i be whole

how could i be strong if look

if a glance could break me

could shatter the resolve