I needed a new pair of shoes. I'm a guy so I prefer surgery, reality TV and even cleaning the house to shopping, but every couple of years something wears out and I'm forced to endure the process. My every day wardrobe consists of shorts and a t-shirt in the summer, Jeans and a long sleeved T in the winter. And Vans slip-on shoes. My shoes have been Vans Classic Slip-On's forever, the ones made famous by Spicoli. The only nod to change is that I pick a different color of checkerboard each time.

Here in the frozen lands of Michigan my options are limited to what is carried by the mass merchants, the nearest Vans store being in Ohio. After a wasted Saturday spent looking it became apparent that the slip-on type wasn't available it was off to the web. A few false starts—even Amazon, right color, wrong size—I was forced to go directly to Vans. Persistence finally paid off with a completed order and access to track my purchase as it was shipped to me From California. I was told that my new shoes would arrive in six days, free shipping seemingly not the most expedient method but just fine for me.

I decided that, since this is actually the first time I've ever tried to buy something online, I'll keep a daily journal and save the shipping updates like old concert tickets. This should be fun...

Yeah Me! Ordered on the 30th and already in Los Angeles.

As the days passed by my imagination would occasionally take me off to the upcoming excitement and adventure that would happen when I donned my new kicks. Women would approach me in bars, commenting how majestic my fancy new shoes looked. Coworkers would comment about how uniquely stylish I was, shabby casual accented by the classic checkerboard. Damn, my new life was waiting to start and the only thing holding my back were my errant sneakers. Off to the web tracker!

For some unknown reason my new shoes haven't traveled beyond Los Angeles. Maybe they decide to see the sights, check out Hollywood? The estimated delivery date hasn't changed, so maybe they're just stuck in the TSA line, trying to get to the plane that will take them to me.

That is progress, I suppose. After sitting for five days in LAX they managed to work their way to San Bernardino, perhaps to check out the very cool national forest there. Or maybe this is a right of passage for all Vans shoes, that they must visit the Inland Empire once during their life.

Now we're getting somewhere! Williams, Arizona is some 400 miles closer but, essentially, not really anywhere. They do have a rodeo of some renown, maybe this was just a quick visit and they'll actually show up tomorrow.

Well, I suppose that is better than Encino, CA. It's further East, at least. I'm beginning to suspect that my shoes will not arrive today. Maybe there's an airport there with a direct flight to Michigan.

No. Encino has a smaller population than the street I live on. I'm going to assume that they're in a truck and the driver stopped here for lunch.

Good news and bad news. Good news is that my shoes are obviously walking themselves here...no, wait, that's the bad news. The good news is that my shoes are finally heading North. But I don't see how they can get here before the day is done. I'll check again in the morning, maybe they'll arrive tomorrow, merely a day late. Still not terrible for free shipping.

No, they are not going to get here today. Ever the optimist, I do not that they have taken a turn to the Northeast, in more of a direct line to Michigan. So why Bosworth? I see that this is where Barbra Marx is from. She was Zeppo Marx's first wife (Zeppo? the least interesting of all the Marx brothers?) and later married Frank Sinatra. This is starting to sound like my shoes are channeling my worst vacation idea ever.

Ooh, Burr Ridge. That's one of those towns where the residents tell people that they are, "from Chicago." I've heard a rumor that Burr Ridge narrowly missed the cut as a road sign in one of the Blues Brothers movies. Still, I know from experience that any suburb of Chicago is only five hours from here.

12 hours later and they've only now made it to Chicago? Did they stop for a pilgrimage to the home of the White Sox? Maybe tried a South side polish?

Still in Chicago? It's been a day already. I used to live in Chicago so I know it's a very big city, but how much sight seeing can you accomplish on a Sunday in the middle of winter? I hope they at least got a chance to try a slice of deep dish.

Toledo in just one hour, how is that possible? Toledo is near the Southeast corner of Michigan. In fact, for Michiganders, Toledo is how you know that you've finally gotten through Ohio on your trip back from Florida, that's how close it is. Toledo. Hey, you know what else is in Toledo? The nearest Vans store.

Well look at that, they've finally made it to my home state. Checking the map I see that Belleville is...about 40 miles closer. Are they being handed off, man to man, like an old school bucket brigade? Have countless, anonymous individuals placed their dirty paws on my new shoes? Will they still have that new shoe smell?

Wow, they actually made it my local post office and only 10 days since I ordered them. Can someone explain to me why online shopping is so popular? Do people just buy stuff that they don't need so they don't care if the stuff never arrives?

Yahoo! The new shoes are here and.they are, well, I'm not sure about the color. Maybe I'll send them back...