To The Guy That Has To Move On,
It is a beautiful Sunday afternoon. That perfect early fall afternoon when the sun is shining, it's a mere 75 degrees and you can finally breathe in the fresh air without suffocating from the humidity. It is my favorite time of year, yet all I can think about is how I wish you were here, right here, right now with your contagious laugh I love to hear.
It's actually a devastating reality I've come to understand recently. Come spring semester, you will be transferring schools 773.4 miles away. It's a well-deserved and important step for your future, and I am so, so, excited for you. But this morning I'm feeling a sting of jealousy in both my head and my heart because I know this will be the way my Sunday afternoons, along with every other day of the week, will be. I'll be sitting here, wishing you were a part of my life.
I wasn't prepared for your impact in my life. I didn't want a relationship. I didn't want to like you. I didn't want you to have any part of my heart. I thought you were a fling that would fade like the transition from winter into spring. Yet here you are, continuing to run through my mind in virtually every aspect of my life. I've tried various Hulu series, set three daily reminders called "Boys Ain't Shit," multiple playlists on Spotify, running miles on miles, and painting for hours until my hands ache, but nothing even begins to shake the daunting future I continue to fear.
Me, being a planner, have sketched out in my head every which way this could go. It would be easiest to block you out of my life forever starting now. I could get the pain over with and start my recovery. I could try to pretend you never existed. Or I could do what every ounce of my being tells me not to do—go with the flow, be unpredictable. I could try to tune my anxiety out, and just enjoy the time we've got left together. I could just wait and see what happens. But what do I do when you start to become a stranger? You're bound to grow and adapt into a different person when you leave. What if you're completely different, someone I don't even recognize in a few months? What if you find yourself moving on, growing up, and I'm no longer in that picture-perfect future you have planned?
I don't want to let you go and move on. I don't want you to leave. I don't want to recognize your laugh but not the person laughing. Most of all, I don't want to admit to myself that sometimes people aren't meant to stay in your life. People grow out of each other. I've grown out of friendships and relationships that hurt like hell. The worst part of all is the person you were closest to turns into a stranger—just somebody you used to know; someone that taught you things about yourself you never knew.
Regardless of where this relationship goes, I know there's a reason I met you. In a weak and confusing point in my life, there you were. You showed me how to enjoy myself. You taught me what it's like to laugh uncontrollably and to be undeniably myself; to dance without warning and to never shy away from finding joy in the little things. Without you, I would never know what it's like to feel the safest when I'm at my most vulnerable state.
Whether we're friends, significant others, or just strangers with memories, I have valued the time we've had together and will always remember you. I have so much love for you. Your laugh and free-spirit will be something I remember. I will always hope the best for you.
Goodluck. Please don't forget me.
Aneka
