I was and still am the friend who always texted first. I called first, asked people to go everywhere, literally was attached by the hip to my friends. My whole life was my friends. Post a snap? I would be the first one to view and possibly screenshot. Post a new picture on Instagram? I would be the first like as well as comment. God forbid it was extraordinarily pretty or there was something special about it, I would be on the phone calling to either gush or ask for an explanation.
Tweet you need anything or about something in particular? I would call to ask. I was overly invested in my friends' and families' lives. I remembered every one's birthdays, did embarrassing throwbacks for them, found ways to make sure the person was happy throughout. I randomly called to ask if they'd eaten, if they were fine, what I was missing in their lives (also known as what did not make it to social media). I was obsessed. If I saw anything that brought you to mind, I would call. Sentimental shit? Don't even go there.
I had a polaroid and gallery wall of most of the important people in my life. And yes, I had baby pictures, silly ones, embarrassing ones, this-is-me-at-2am-and-I-never-want-anyone-to-see-me-like-this ones, basically all the pictures you had taken in your existence.I would send cute stuff I found online that related to me and whichever friend to them.
I just cared.
Over time, I realized that this caring was one-sided. My people were not reciprocating as much. Chalk it to being busy, not being as emotional, having the convenience of me being the one always checking in, whatever; I just felt that my connections were one-sided. I mostly tried to ignore the feeling though and didn't let it bother me until it really began to. I started to wonder why I was settling for less when I as the caring one should have same or even more? Why wasn't everyone making as much noise for my birthday as I did for theirs? Why were they not making as much concessions as I did for them? Why did they not randomly call to catch up on my life? I wondered if I wasn't a fool, and if these people weren't tired of me?
So I stopped.
I stopped being me though that hurt my heart and started posing as someone who did not care. I would feign indifference when I was bubbling up inside, I stopped talking to some of them, I rationed out my love. I became them, and only gave as much as I got.
But that was not me. That did not fill me up.
See, I didn't care or do all the stuff I did for their benefit. I did it because it made me happy to be there for the people I loved. Of course, reciprocation would have been wonderful but at the end of the day, I realized that it didn't matter.
I didn't love them because they loved and gushed over me; I just did.
It was who I am and I had to stay true to me.
So yes, I am sentimental, and overly so. I care and watch over my friends like a mother hen. I cook, clean, feed, do everything for my people. I am the corny, gushing, obsessive, extremely loving friend. And I like it.
