All too often, I wish I could have told my younger self what I am about to share with you. I wish I knew what a healthy relationship was back when I was 16, 17, 18... especially when I was 18. Having divorced parents, I did not have a very good example of a healthy partnership so I needed to traverse the dating minefield to figure it out. Now, I am no professional (yet), but I feel that I have learned from my failed relationships so much that it laid the groundwork for my current relationship. My current relationship is, without a doubt, the healthiest one I have had in my entire life, so I thought I would drop some life experience on y'all about what has worked for my partner and me!
1. Respect
R-E-S-P-E-C-T! This is broad, so I'm going to do my best to break down what I mean by "respect". More often than not how a man speaks about/to and treats others, especially his mother, is a good indicator of how he will behave with you. If his behavior is less than desirable- chances are it will be so towards you, if not already. If you sense misogyny in the way he speaks to his mom or about other women you're not exempt from that treatment...ever. As little as it may seem at that moment in time, chances are that misogyny is deep-seeded. Conversely, try to watch how you speak to and treat others as well. You get the energy you put out into the universe.
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Also, respecting the sanctity of both of your bodies by having consent for everything sexual or even not sexual, not sharing intimate photos with people outside of the partnership (unless stated otherwise by the subject of said photos), and not trying to push boundaries set by one another. All of those are so important. Without these elements of respect, there is nothing healthy about the relationship. Respect is the foundation.
P.S. There is no healthy relationship without respect for the self.
2. Interests, Morals, Ethics, and Goals
I have found it to be extremely beneficial to have 99.999999% of your morals, ethics, and goals aligned with your partner's, without adjusting them to what your partner wants because you want to make it work with them. If you want to have kids, and after a certain amount of time your partner still does not want to, it is best to not force any changes in goals but to evaluate whether or not you both can go on with a difference on a rather large life decision. When it comes to interests, it's great to have at least some things in common, but having some differences can be pretty neat when you open yourselves up to learn more about the interests. Ten out of ten times, learning more about my partner's interests that I do not know much about, has only made me love and appreciate him more. As for morals and ethics.... these are the principles which you live by so it is beneficial for the relationship if your views on those two categories align almost perfectly. For example, my partner and I agreed that we would probably be re-thinking our relationship if we both were not supporting Bernie Sanders for president (I won't get into the reasons in this article).
3. Validation
You hit a relationship milestone when you and your partner feel safe together. I'm not just talking about physically safe, but also mentally and emotionally safe. The mentally and emotionally safe part comes from a little friend named, Validation! Validation is a beautiful thing and when you discover the power of it, it opens many positive doors. Validating how one another feels and what one another says, even when you disagree, is awesome. Mindfully trying to see someone's point of view: educates me, calms me, inspires me, makes the other person feel heard, and makes the other person not feel attacked or judged. Validating someone is a key tool to use while in a disagreement, usually it stops anything from escalating. There is a balance to be had, try not to get all of your validation from your S.O. Make sure you help your partner feel validated but also that they're helping you feel validated.
4. Honest & Open Communication
I think the underlying theme in this whole piece is honest & open communication. Talk!! Especially talk about your needs and wants in a relationship. I do not think this is possible without the validation piece. Do you need a lot of physical affection or less physical contact? Do you need one, two, three, 10, 15, or 25+ texts/calls a day? Talk about these needs and wants and whether or not you both are capable of giving that to one another. If not, it is nobody's fault- just try to figure out where to go from there. I found in the past I would be scared to be open and honest for fear that they would leave me (I did not have a lot of self-love back then). I have now discovered it is better to be up-front. If you do not, you are not wasting anyone's time but your own. Tell each other you appreciate one another and talk about your day with one another, no matter how trivial it may have seemed to you. It makes the connection stronger.
5. Fun!
Although there are many serious aspects to a relationship, fun need not be on the back burner even though it is last on this list. Creating memories between just the two of you or with others is like the icing on the cake. Cake is already pretty delicious without the icing but the icing really does complete it! Balance the means you use to have fun. By keeping the fun alive, you keep the newness of the relationship alive.
Remember why they call it a "partnership", and why people in long-lasting, healthy relationships got there. No happy and healthy relationship got to that point by finger pointing, name calling, dishonesty, abuse of any kind, and judgment of one another. A healthy relationship is like a garden, as long as it is tended to — you will receive the fruits of it and it is worth all the effort.
