As more and more people come out as transgender, the topic of interacting with them becomes more and more urgent to address. Mainly because some people think they know what they're doing when they don't, and because trans people have to just go along with whatever the cis person asks/says because of the power structure. The only reason I've particularly noticed this is because I'm FTM (female to male). I usually just label myself as a trans guy.
I've compiled a nice set of guidelines if you genuinely wonder what is off-limits, what isn't, and what you should call out when other people do it. Most of these are generalities that most of the trans community agrees upon, but they don't apply to every single situation. I use the term transgender as an umbrella term, and I apologize to those who don't identify as trans but are transitioning or want to. Them and they are used as both singular and plural pronouns. Typically, most terms like trans guy or trans person don't have spaces, but I think it makes the article better to read.
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1. Don't ask about our dead-names.
A dead-name is the name a trans person was given at birth. If a trans person chooses to change their name, the former name is discarded (dead to them). You do not know need to know our previous names.
2. Unless we have expressed interest in having sex with you, you don't need to know we do it.
It's gross. It's not a conversation starter. It's not taking an interest in our lives in a polite manner. We don't wish to discuss this unless we want to have sex with you.
3. We are not obligated to share anything about our transition with you.
Now, close friends or friends in general will probably be granted access to this topic. Trans people also need an outlet to discuss transitioning with, and we generally don't mind a couple of questions on the subject. However, we have other hobbies/interests/opinions. The entire conversation does not need to revolve around the subject. The topic of our transitioning is also not an opportunity for you to practice your debate skills. We are also not obligated to show you any before and after photos, voice changes, etc.
4. Would you ask a cis person the question? Would you say it to a cis person? If the answer is no, then you probably shouldn't ask or say it.
A cis person is someone who identifies with the gender they were assigned at birth. The general confusion about this is that most cis people believe they are just supporting us when they ask us strange questions when instead they mostly come across as intrusive and probing. Or they compliment us with phrases like "You're so handsome for a trans guy!" You don't need to include the last part, and it can create the impression that cis guys are automatically more handsome than a trans guy or the two have distinct kinds of handsome people can notice. With an odd question, it can quickly make an awkward situation for both parties, and it could potentially trigger dysphoria (depression surrounding one's gender identity) in the trans person. Your curiosity isn't as important as our comfort levels and mental health.
5. Our identity is not a debate.
If someone comes out to you or talks about their transitioning with you, it is not the time to play devil's advocate or bring in your own Freudian analysis. Our pronouns are also not a subject for you to bring out Webster's or your old English notes from the third grade.
6. If you have a close friend who has come out to you trans, ask about their coming out situation.
This will help determine if you need to correct people when your trans friend is misgendered (incorrect pronouns are being used) or if you don't need to say anything because your friend is not comfortable being completely out or it might not be a safe environment. This would not be considered rude or intruding because the safety of the trans person could be at stake.
7. Don't say transsexual, tranny, or transvestite unless the person is okay with it.
All three of these terms are outdated and generally considered offensive. However, some trans people still call themselves transsexual, especially if they have already had surgery concerning their gender identity. Older generations typically use this more. Dated media such as "Rocky Horror Picture Show" uses some these terms, and while it is problematic, it's important to remember the historical context surrounding them. Drag queens cannot call themselves any of the three (unless they are transgender), and don't call drag queens any of them.
8. If you're not LGBTAQ+, don't say queer unless the person is okay with it.
Queer is slowly becoming more popular with younger generations in the LGBTAQ+ community, but some still consider it a slur. Identity definitions such as genderqueer and queer are steadily becoming popular in the community. However, don't use it unless someone who identifies as queer says it is okay for you to call them that. Don't use queer to identify the LGBTAQ+ community either, unless you are LGBTAQ+.
9. It is not up to us to educate you on the entire gender spectrum.
Or sexuality spectrum for that matter. Seriously, there's a "+" on the end for a reason. You're not going to be an expert on everything, but a quick Google search will help you validate people, quiet transphobic thoughts (even I've had them), and give most people a break from having to explain an exhausted point.
Let's run through a quick roleplaying scene: your best friend comes out to you as agender. Now, you've done some reading on LGBTAQ+ identities, so you know about asexuality, which means someone doesn't express sexual feelings. So, now you can deduce this person doesn't really express a gender. You ask the lovely agender person if that's what they mean, they say yes and smile, and huzzahs all around!
10. Don't out someone who doesn't want to be outed.
This is somewhat covered on #6, but our identity is not something for you to gossip about. Safety first for the trans person. A lot could be at risk for the trans person if they were to be outed. Don't be that cis person.
11. Trans women are included in feminist thought.
The "trans" in front of the "women" is just an adjective. They are always women and have always been a woman. They are not a woman trapped in a man's body (or vice versa). They lose every bit of male privilege when they discover their gender identity, and the patriarchy immediately turns on them. They always have a place in the feminist movement.
12. Don't fetishize trans women and don't tolerate it from other people.
Especially trans women of color. It's okay to date them, love them, like them, and to find them attractive. Using or idolizing them for sex is not okay. I just finished with the point of trans women having a place in feminism, and that includes, obviously, trans women being able to make their own choices, and of course, liking sex. However, it's incredibly hard for me to overlook this point because of the number of trans women in an unsafe sex worker occupation and for the number of murdered trans women each year.
13. All of this applies to people who identify as non-binary.
Non-binary simply means the person doesn't identify as a gender on the binary spectrum (man and woman). Remember our agender pal on #9? They fall under the blanket term non-binary. Some people who have an identity that falls in the non-binary category aren't comfortable labeling themselves as transgender. Just so there's clarification, these etiquette guidelines apply to them as well.
