My mother passed away when I was five years old. Her death came out of no where and felt too real to be true. It all made sense to me, but at the same time it didn't. This was my first experience with death and it was all so new to me. It baffled me that in one moment someone could be here and in the next gone forever. In light of this event, I had to gradually fall back into place, back into the rest of my life without my mother.
Immediately after my mother passed away, I made it a point to forget about it all. I told myself I needed to push it all in the back of my head and carry on with life. Not to misconstrue, but no one ever told me I needed to be strong. I was only five years old but I had already developed this mentality on my own that I needed to keep looking forward. And that's what I did. As children normally are, I was fairly open about my life. I shared with all my new friends as to why I had missed the first day of school. Of course most didn't really know how to react. How does any child know how to react to death? I still think about how and where I even developed this blunt disposition that characterizes me.
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Moving forward, I learned how to live without my mother. I learned how to do certain tasks that my mother would normally have done if she was still around. For example, I learned how to wash my own clothes in first grade and started washing the dishes around the same time. Although I grew up with four older brothers and a father, to an extent, I developed an interdependence within myself because that is how I desired to be. I just wanted to do certain things on my own. I felt the need to step up and grow up faster than a kid typically should.
My father's alcoholism was a factor in my development as a child. After my mother died, his alcohol dependency worsened and with that, my brothers and I had to design our lives around it. We had to look out for my father, which is something a child or teenager shouldn't normally have to do. However, we understood that our father was completely damaged. He had lost the love of his life and he had no other way to cope. Growing up and seeing this forced me to mature at a faster rate. Losing my mother, and as result, dealing with my father's alcoholism, definitely changed my perception of faith and life as a whole.
I stand here today and can say that I wouldn't be the same person I am if my mother was still here. At times I wonder how my life would have played out if she was still here with us. Where would I be? Would I be attending the university I am at right now? There are so many what ifs in life. That in itself is both tormenting and intriguing in itself. However, personally, I can't dwell in the unknown and the past. My mentality forces me to stay in the present and focus on now. As much as I've thought about how wonderful it would have been for my mother to see how far I've come, I know if life hadn't turned out the way it did, I wouldn't have met the people in my life today. Although I only knew my mother briefly, I still think about her from time to time just to remind myself that at a point in time she did exist. And that she did captivate the hearts of many with her smile, beauty, and gracious heart. I love her today. I love her forever.
