I remember the first time I got a migraine. I was in pre-school and it was nap time. The darkness helped keep the pain at bay that was building behind my eyes, pulsing so much that I wanted to put a finger in my eye socket and pull them out. Nap time was over soon, and as the teacher opened the door, the blinding sunlight entered the small room. My eyes started burning as everyone else got up to run outside and play. The teacher tried to nudge me to get up but I refused, each touch sending waves of nausea through my body.

My next migraine came at around age 7. I was in Montana with my grandparents on the 4th of July. We were at one of their friend's house, as it was tradition to celebrate the 4th with our friends and light fireworks in the big fields that were their backyards. That pain behind my eyes was pulsing again, just like it had in pre-school. With each pulse of my heart beat, the waves of nausea spread through my body, and the loud bangs of the fireworks made me cringe, as it sounded a thousand times louder than it actually was. My grandmother, who also gets migraines, had an idea of what was wrong with me, so she comforted me by helping me rest on the couch and putting a wet washcloth on my forehead. "Time to go, Syd." She helped me get up and carried me to the car. As soon as she buckled me in my car seat, the nausea was too much to control and (I apologize in advance for the "TMI") it all came up at once, projecting all over the backseat. That was my first "throwing up" migraine.

When we returned home to California, my mom decided it was time to see a doctor. At first, doctors just said, "Oh, nothing is wrong with her. It's just a bad headache." Countless doctors said the same thing to me, making my mom frustrated because she thought I had gotten what her mother and my father had: migraine. Not until I went to the hospital at a young age for a migraine did we finally see a neurologist. He finally diagnosed me with migraine and started me on a preventive medication called Topomax and a migraine abortive called Maxalt. But as time went on and I got older, I began the cycle of going through preventive and abortive medications. I can't tell you how many I've been on because I can't remember the names of all of them.

When I was younger, from about age 7 to 10, they weren't that bad. I wasn't chronic. They happened about once a week. They were always accompanied with nausea. I didn't go to the hospital as much, but when I did, they actually helped me due to being diagnosed with migraine. That stigma that migraineurs go through happened to me since age 7 and on. ER doctors never believed me, always telling my mom it was "just a bad headache". I remember one of those hospital visits where they asked me to rate the pain from one to ten, and I just replied, "It makes me want to kill myself". The doctor took my mom aside and said I needed psychiatric help, to which she burst out in anger and refused that was the case since it was the only way I knew how to describe the pain. One thing that I miss about those days (and I can't believe I'm even saying that I miss those days) is that when I threw up, the migraine would go away immediately. Now, throwing up is rare, but it doesn't do anything. It only makes the pain worse and even dark rooms don't help me.

Since I got them at such a young age, I started missing school. I kept my grades up, given that grade school isn't that hard, but once middle school came around and I kept missing multiple days in a week, that's when my grades dropped. When I got into middle school, that's also when the migraines got worse. I started getting them 3 times every other week. Then when I got into high school, the migraines were worse than ever. I failed 10th grade. It was a mix of migraines and depression. Little did I know that antidepressants actually cut out the effects of migraine preventatives, taking those at the same time made the migraines worse. I was taking antidepressants up until age 17, and once I stopped taking them, the depression finally lessened and my migraines were somewhat manageable.

Fast forward to age 18 to now, age 21. I've become chronic. I remember the day that the migraine lasted a week in 2013. I was in and out of the hospital that week, getting loads of drugs to take the pain away. I started taking my migraine abortive medication every day, which caused the rebounds. It created the cycle of a rebound migraine for the past three years. Last year I had to detox off of it and missed a semester of college, so now I don't take them as much. Sadly, it didn't take away the constant pain. I wake up with a headache every day, sometimes debilitating, sometimes not. On good days it's just a very annoying headache, and then other days the migraine comes and I can't move, stuck in my room, crying and praying that the pain will just go away forever. Yes, sometimes I get my little bouts of depression when I'm just angry that I have to live with this pain every day, but I still push on. I've wanted to quit school altogether because of this pain, but I've pushed on. It's hard, but anyone can do it. Us migraineurs have to do it, whether we like it or not. Having the fear of being dropped from classes always festers inside my mind while I start new semesters. The special services department at my school doesn't even recognize migraines as a disability, so getting help from them is usually out of the picture.

Living with chronic migraines has taught me a lot, though. It's even showed me who are my true friends. I've had people in my life who get upset when I drop the plans we've made because the pain is too much and I can't drive. "You shouldn't have even made plans with me in the first place", they say, or "How about we don't make it a set plan and we'll see how everything turns out". It's hard today to find people who actually understand what I go through. What surprises me, though, is that I'm actually starting to meet people who have migraines. They aren't chronic like me, but they know the pain. Meeting people like me gives me such a feeling of relief. To be able to describe the pain and have the person nod and laugh, agreeing with me completely is amazing. When I try to talk about my pain to my friends who have no idea what this is like, they always just say, "I'm sorry". The way I see it, talking about migraines is kind of like talking about your depression. You don't want someone to say sorry, you just want someone to listen and be a shoulder to cry on. A lot of people want to offer solutions, and I end up pushing them away, getting them out of my life because I can't handle "Oh try this, I read it here. Try that, because it worked for these people." Migraines are different for every person. What works for someone might not work for me. It's a hard disease to control. Actually, it's an incurable disease. Mostly we just manage our pain however way we can.

I just want people to know that living like this is manageable. It's not fun, it's not something to glorify. I also don't try to make it seem to friends that my pain is worse than theirs, given that all us 20 something year olds are going through a hell of a time growing up with all the new responsibilities. But we try to do the best we can. I try to do the best I can and go through my days without laying in bed all day. If I have to do that to keep the pain at bay, then I will. But all of you guys who live like this, know that you're not alone. We'll get through this. One day there will be a cure. I know you want to give up all hope and just stay in bed all day, but just know that there are so many others that are like you. We create an entire community that understands each other. We can get through this. Life will be manageable. Never give up.