Alcoholics and addicts destroy families. Whether the person is addicted to drugs, alcohol, or sex, their actions are indirectly affecting all of the people around them, especially when these people have children to be raising, jobs to be upholding, spouses to be pleasing, friends to be comforting, or grandparents to be making proud.
Through personal experiences of having alcoholics and addicts in my family, I have been forced to develop a lot of feelings towards this topic. I often circle back to thinking that “if they just loved me they would stop” or “if they really cared about me they would get help.” Although my dad constantly reminds me that I must “separate the person from the disease,” I constantly struggle with this concept, and feel that others must struggle with it, too. It is crazy for me to think that someone would throw away their family, friends, job, and even their life just to get high or drunk.
The drugs and alcohol turns these people into something they’re not; someone no one wants to be around. They lack empathy, they’re egocentric, and often manipulate the situation into blaming their disease and actions on others. We are here to let you know that WE ARE NOT here as your punching bags.
If I could tell them anything it would be that we are tired. We are tired. We are tired of making up lies to protect ourselves and our families. We are tired of searching for you at every bar just to try and take you home. We are tired of being terrified when you do not come home for days on end. We are tired of having to grow up too fast. We are tired of all of the stress and worry that no child, spouse, or friends should have to carry. We are tired of your lies and excuses. We are tired of finding bottles that you have hidden throughout the house. We are tired of having to explain to our friends why you are acting weird. We are tired of having to be the parent. We are tired of seeing your name in the paper with yet another DUI. We are tired of you not showing up to important events like birthdays and graduations. We are tired of trying to hide your keys so you cannot drive under the influence. We are tired of finding you passed out and being forced to carry you to your bed. We are tired of cleaning your clothes and sheets because you cannot find your way to the bathroom. We are tired of not feeling loved. We are tired of feeling forgotten and unworthy.
As I grow up, I shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not you are coming home or making it to my graduation. I shouldn’t have to beg for your love and attention.
Addictions can either make or break a family. In most cases it breaks the family, but I am extremely grateful that my experience has allowed me to become that much closer to my siblings and parent. We have been able to lean on each other, talk to each other about everything, and constantly support each other through every hardship. Unfortunately, many kids do not have this support from their other family members, which makes it that much harder on the people struggling to understand their loved ones’ addictions.
Sometimes in our life, for our own sanity, we must cut ties with people who only add negativity to our lives. If people choose not to be around for the important times in your life, then maybe they are not worthy of being in it at all. It gets tiring to always be forced to be the bigger person. We want a relationship with our spouse, children, parents, friends, but we need to remember these relationships are a two way street and the love and effort needs to be reciprocated.
Growing up around alcoholics has taught me a lot of things that I would not have learned without them. And for that I am grateful. We do not mind supporting your recovery and visiting you in the hospital and rehab centers. We do mind when you constantly hurt us, yourself, and which makes us sit there and watch you slowly kill yourself with drugs and alcohol.
For those whose loved ones are addicted to drugs or alcohol: my dad always stresses to me that it is important to forgive them and remember that these people care for you. I, personally am still working on this forgiveness, but I know everyone works on the process at different paces. I hope that one day you can forgive your loved ones for their actions, but sometimes it’s okay to not be ready and to give yourself space from the people you believe are harming your emotional well being. Please know you couldn’t have caused it anymore than you could’ve stopped it.
